“I’ll Pray For You”

30 Responses to "“I’ll Pray For You”"

• Comment by: Peter In PA

  1 06/1/06 4:41 AM | Comment Link |

  Well, I believe in the power of prayer, I know some don’t… So… when I hear that, I hope that the person will really do it. But, here’s something new in the past year or two that I do when I say it. I stop what I’m doing… right then and there… and I do it!

• Comment by: jim

  2 06/1/06 7:07 AM | Comment Link |

  I am of two minds on this issue

  If a person is genuinely opening up to me and “asking me to care” (at least non verbally) AND it seems to me that it will not be construed as being manipulative - AND I have the courage (yes this does take courage to say) THEN I like to tell them that “I’ll pray for you” ( obviously this requires some real thought)

  If I am using “I’ll pray for you” because
  1) I feel guilty because I haven’t “told them about Jesus”
  2) I’m actually angry at them because they haven’t asked me about Jesus
  3) I want to “freak them out”

  THEN - no I think it is better to go away and “pray behind their back”

  My experience is that if it is done with good intentions (non manipulative intentionality) it is a very loving act that most humans never experience

• Comment by: Julie Marie

  3 06/1/06 7:17 AM | Comment Link |

  These questions are for anyone who ever has “I’ll pray for you” (or, “I’m praying for you”) announced to him or her:

  * How do you feel when you hear that — in other words, what meaning do you attach to that statement? Does the context and who says it make any difference?
  * How do you respond to the person who said it? Is there anything you’d like to say but don’t?

  My reaction depends upon the situation. One lady I know says she’ll pray for me all the time and I just love her for that. There is genuine concern and caring in her eyes when she says it, and she is open when I define for her just what the issues are.

  But sometimes ‘I’ll pray for you” means “you are wrong and I’ll pray that God straightens you out before its too late”. I don’t respond well internally to that but have not confronted the percieved arrogance thus far. However, since I’m still feeling edgy, if it comes up today, I’ll probably ask them to further define what it is they are praying for. Make them own the superior attitude.

• Comment by: Helen M.

  4 06/1/06 7:20 AM | Comment Link |

  Jim I like that you listen/watch for cues from the other person. Then you let those cues guide you in deciding whether to share with them that you’re going to pray for them. That’s very otherly of you.

• Comment by: KSG

  5 06/1/06 7:27 AM | Comment Link |

  As one who believes in prayer (that it works), I have to say I’ve been on both sides of this, both a giver & reciever of the “I’ll pray for you” line. And although I’m glad and thankful to recieve prayer and consider it a privilege to be the ‘pray‘er my biggest issue is that the praying actually gets done. It’s easy (and very Christianese IMO [said as vehemontly as possible]) to just say “I’ll pray for you” and never actually do it. Just do it. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. And if you feel the need to pray with/for someone right there, do it right there (’cause it ain’t the devil tellin’ you to do it).

  The only aspect that raises a caution flag is that the “I’ll pray for you” or “I’m praying for you” line has a lot of power and can be very manipulative. This is a lesson I was taught by Cully & TXAthiest over on the Off-the-Map Ebay Athiest blog. Asking or offering to pray for someone (even if you have good intentions) can be viewed as an attempt to gain power over someone. So my suggestion is to do it (pray) ‘behind their backs’ as it were. Since prayer is conversation (2 way) between God & you, keep your prayers and the knowledge of your prayers between God & yourself.

• Comment by: Julie Marie

  6 06/1/06 7:28 AM | Comment Link |

  * When you say “I’ll pray for you”, what meaning would you like your hearer(s) to attach to that statement?
  * If you pray for people who don’t believe prayer works, do you tell them you’re praying for them or do you keep that to yourself? Why?

  When I say I’ll pray for you I want people to know I care about them, I have listened carefully to their issue, and am thinking deeply about what might improve things for them. And one of the things I think might improve things for them is taking their case to God.

  I don’t usually tell people I don’t know well I’ll pray for them. And if they don’t believe prayer works, I don’t share that I’m doing it. Even when I am. I would still like to communicate my concern and desire for a good outcome to their situation - so I would have to say something other than I”m praying about this to someone who thinks prayer is a waste of time.

• Comment by: Helen M.

  7 06/1/06 7:31 AM | Comment Link |

  Julie Marie wrote: sometimes “I’ll pray for you” means “you are wrong and I’ll pray that God straightens you out before its too late”. I don’t respond well internally to that

  I have to say I was expecting a person who wasn’t a Christian to say this first!

  but have not confronted the percieved arrogance thus far. However, since I’m still feeling edgy, if it comes up today, I’ll probably ask them to further define what it is they are praying for. Make them own the superior attitude.

  Go for it! ;) If you do this please report back to us how the conversation goes.responds.

• Comment by: Helen M.

  8 06/1/06 7:39 AM | Comment Link |

  Thanks KSG - good comments.

  I’m glad you remembered that exchange on the eBay atheist blog. I was very struck by that (or one like it). That’s why I wanted to make the issue of ‘meanings we attach to “I’ll pray for you”‘ its own blog entry.

• Comment by: mw

  9 06/1/06 7:45 AM | Comment Link |

  I see prayer more as a spirit or attitude, a sensibility or consciousness of being in the presence of God, of gratitude for what is, of openness to what is or may be.

  That said, I do sometimes ask that God be known to someone, in the form of comfort, solace, wellness, etc. I think praying in this way “works” more by enlarging my awareness of suffering and my capacity for compassion, than by God intervening extraordinarily.

  I rarely say, “I’ll pray for you” as a future task — if someone asks for prayer or seems to need it, I pray in the moment of recognition; i.e., I am in a spirit of prayer concerning the current situation. Sometimes, with someone who is open to it or who seems to want it said, I will say, “I am praying for you.” If I’m asked by someone to pray for him/her or a particular situation, I agree. I might ask, if someone is telling me about a hard situation, “Would you like prayer for this situation?”

  What I hope hearers would hear concerning prayer is a reminder that we are not alone, that God accompanies us in spirit wherever we are, that someone loves us and is with us no matter what pain, trouble, confusion, grief, or other misery confronts us.

• Comment by: Helen M.

  10 06/1/06 7:52 AM | Comment Link |

  mw wrote: I might ask, if someone is telling me about a hard situation, “Would you like prayer for this situation?”

  I appreciate that you ask their permission. I think that’s very respectful of you.

  What I hope hearers would hear concerning prayer is a reminder that we are not alone, that God accompanies us in spirit wherever we are, that someone loves us and is with us no matter what pain, trouble, confusion, grief, or other misery confronts us.

  It’s kind of you to want to encourage people in that way.

  What about hearers who don’t believe in God? Or would what you just wrote not apply, since those people presumably would have declined your offer or prayer already? So you wouldn’t be hoping to convey anything to them by praying for them since you wouldn’t be doing that (in their presence).

• Comment by: jim

  11 06/1/06 10:11 AM | Comment Link |

  
  

  What I hope hearers would hear

  concerning prayer is a reminder that we are not alone, that God accompanies us in spirit wherever we are, that someone loves us and is with us no matter what pain, trouble, confusion, grief, or other misery confronts

  I hope that too but sometimes we rush by their non verbal cues and “assume” they will understand the best of our intentions- I don’t see that as a loving act - where we make them do all the emotional work and we go off assured that “we gave them a gift”

• Comment by: Eliza

  12 06/1/06 11:15 AM | Comment Link |

  if it comes up today, I’ll probably ask them to further define what it is they are praying for

  It’s funny - “I’ll pray for you” really doesn’t spell out what the prayer will be, does it?

  It could be, as people have said, for support or assistance in a difficult situation. Or, a nudge that your path is not seen as Christian.

  Or, as I have sometimes thought, it might sometimes simply be an offer to say a prayer in your stead - because you are not someone who prays, and this person knows how to do it & believes it’s something you would benefit from.

  It never occurred to me that someone might say “I’ll pray for you” just as a casual comment, or a nudge, but then not actually do it! :o I figured if a Christian said they were going to pray, that was a godly promise & would happen, maybe before bedtime (like kids do)… Well, you learn something new every day!

• Comment by: Helen M.

  13 06/1/06 11:24 AM | Comment Link |

  Eliza wrote: It never occurred to me that someone might say “I’ll pray for you” just as a casual comment, or a nudge, but then not actually do it! I figured if a Christian said they were going to pray, that was a godly promise & would happen, maybe before bedtime (like kids do)… Well, you learn something new every day!

  I think what’s happened to me is that I’ve meant it but then I later forgot to pray. Generally it was seeing the person again that reminded me 1) I’d said I’d pray and 2) I’d forgotten to - and then I’d feel bad about not keeping my promise. Because I really did mean it when I said it.

• Comment by: Doreen

  14 06/1/06 12:19 PM | Comment Link |

  When confronted by self-described Christians at abortion or anti-gay protests, they often would say it to me first. Then I’d reply, “I’ll pray for you TOO.” Sometimes the conversation ended there, but other times the dialogue started there.

  I pray for people all the time without telling them. And I often ask people to pray for me. I prayed before I accepted Christ.

• Comment by: jim

  15 06/1/06 12:57 PM | Comment Link |

  Try Penny Prayers!

  Helen wrote
  

  think what’s happened to me is that I’ve meant it but then I later forgot to pray. Generally it was seeing the person again that reminded me 1) I’d said I’d pray and 2) I’d forgotten to - and then I’d feel bad about not keeping my promise. Because I really did mean it when I said it.

  Thats how I used to feel but then I decided to make it Gods problem to remind me when to pray.

  Now if I say I’ll pray for you ( which I dont say that often) I mean whenever I run into a penny I’ll pray for you- it will be brief but it will happen.

  Really spiritual people think this is pretty lame but I like to say, try this while you are figuring out a more spiritual way to remember.

• Comment by: Julie Marie

  16 06/1/06 1:01 PM | Comment Link |

  Really spiritual people think this is pretty lame but I like to say, try this while you are figuring out a more spiritual way to remember.

  Jim, you are a funny guy.

• Comment by: KSG

  17 06/1/06 2:18 PM | Comment Link |

  Have you ever felt manipulated by an “I’ll pray for you” or I’m praying for you”?
  I ask because I have…about a year ago the Pastor’s 23 yr old son (read heir apparent) came up to me and said “I’ve been praying for you” and then asked if I needed/wanted to talk about anything. And since we don’t have a relationship beyond “hello/goodbye” it felt really wierd. I haven’t been able to figure out if it was an “I care about you” moment or an “I want you to believe that I care about you” moment. If it had happened within the context of a friendship I would have never thought twice about it.

• Comment by: Julie Marie

  18 06/1/06 2:29 PM | Comment Link |

  “I’ve been praying for you” and then asked if I needed/wanted to talk about anything.

  that is odd. And he didn’t share what he prayed for, huh?

  My first thought was that there is chatter about you in the church.

  But I’m probably paranoid.

• Comment by: mw

  19 06/1/06 4:17 PM | Comment Link |

  Helen asked:

  What about hearers who don’t believe in God? Or would what you just wrote not apply, since those people presumably would have declined your offer or prayer already? So you wouldn’t be hoping to convey anything to them by praying for them since you wouldn’t be doing that (in their presence).

  I was responding generally about anyone who heard that anyone else was praying for them.

  For myself, I don’t usually tell someone if I am praying for them or a situation; and I rarely do, in fact, pray in that way.

• Comment by: Helen M.

  20 06/1/06 4:23 PM | Comment Link |

  Julie Marie wrote: My first thought was that there is chatter about you in the church.

  But I’m probably paranoid.

  KSG perhaps you submitted a prayer request one time and that’s what he was referring to. I agree it does seem a little weird. If you’d asked him if he was praying for anything specific maybe that would have got a response from him that would have cleared up your confusion.

  But I know how it is in the moment if you’re thrown by what someone else says. It’s hard to think of what to say when that happens.

  mw thanks for clarifying.

• Comment by: Tom in Sacramento

  21 06/1/06 6:12 PM | Comment Link |

  For good or ill, I don’t very often ask or offer. And people who know me don’t often ask, because they know how I pray.

  I don’t think prayer “works” like sticking a nickel in a slot machine, pulling the lever, and hoping that by divine intervention you get three cherries and your prayer gets answered. God is not a bell hop.

  I think prayer “works” as a part of the process by which God works in a person’s heart/mind to bring about changes that make a person more Christ-like.

  So I don’t pray for problems to go away. I pray that God will make me (or others) tough enough to deal with the things that I encounter in a way that will help to grow my patience, my steadiness, my discipline, etc. Most people just want prayer for their problems to go away. I don’t do that.

• Comment by: NCxian

  22 06/1/06 7:02 PM | Comment Link |

  When somebody is going through a rough time, I usually say “I’ll be thinking about you”. (Is that something specific to my region or do people say that all over?) A person who knows me very well may understand that there may be some aspect of prayer to that “thinking”. Others likely understand it to mean I am feeling empathy for them, which is also perfectly accurate.

• Comment by: Doreen

  23 06/2/06 8:45 AM | Comment Link |

  NCxian wrote
  

  When somebody is going through a rough time, I usually say “I’ll be thinking about you”.

  I like that. Sometimes I say “I’ll send good thoughts your way.”

• Comment by: Helen M.

  24 06/2/06 10:34 AM | Comment Link |

  I’ve wondered about saying something like “I’ll be thinking of you” - and I think I probably have said it sometimes to avoid saying I’ll pray when I might forget.

  On the other hand, if I forget to pray I’ll probably forget to think of them too ;)

  I do have mixed feelings about me saying it. Because - I don’t think there are many people out there who believe that me thinking about them will actually change anything. On the whole I think I’d rather express a wish that things will go better for them, or be resolved, or that it won’t be as bad as they think, or whatever. In other words, I want to show I care without saying something that I feel doesn’t really mean anything.

  No offense intended to anyone else who says it and feels it appropriately conveys “I care about you”.

• Comment by: NCxian

  25 06/2/06 11:38 AM | Comment Link |

  When I say “I will be thinking about you” to somebody, I am meaning that “my caring what happens to you will continue after I leave you” during some period of particular trial for them. So, for instance, I most recently said it to a friend who was traveling out of state who was going to be with her sister who was having life threatening surgery. I hoped it would be some consolation to know that as she was dealing with this really scary and sad thing, I would be thinking about her and empathizing. It would be more consoling, perhaps, to call her for regular updates, but I am not that intimate with her. So I offered her what I thought was more appropriate in the situation–my on-going concern.

  I don’t think I say it in a situation where what is going on with them will not be weighing on my mind. I think I say it when I mean it. (So now I will have to pay extra attention to make sure I really do what I just said!)

• Comment by: Helen M.

  26 06/2/06 11:42 AM | Comment Link |

  NCxian wrote: When I say “I will be thinking about you” to somebody, I am meaning that “my caring what happens to you will continue after I leave you” during some period of particular trial for them.

  Ok, that makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for explaining!

• Comment by: Bruce

  27 06/3/06 11:14 AM | Comment Link |

  My experience has been that context is the big determinant of what “I’ll pray for you” means to the other person. For example, if I have a track record of caring for a person, they will hear my offer as another expression of that care–whether they believe in prayer or not.On the other hand, if they are a rank stranger, they don’t know what to attribute to my offer. Is is self-righteousness? Is it dismissive? “I’ll pray for you” should be used judiciously and should not be dropped carelessly in casual conversation.Recently someone was pouring out their woes to me. My offer on that occasion was “If you need someone to scream at, I’m available.” It seemed, in that context, to be a more appropriate response. It wasn’t a drive-by pray-ing.

• Comment by: SezMe

  28 06/3/06 9:58 PM | Comment Link |

  I nearly always receive such a statement as an expression of caring and accept it for that alone.

  As an atheist, however, I find Jim and KSG’s statements that they would pray behind my back as quite infuriating and insulting. If, as posited, you know my position about god, how about caring about me by respecting my beliefs (or lack thereof). Praying behind my back is deceitful and I think your religion frowns on that. Just leave me out of your conversations with your god.

  Of course, I can’t speak for all atheists, but I suspect most would feel as I do.

• Comment by: Helen M.

  29 06/4/06 6:18 AM | Comment Link |

  SezMe wrote: As an atheist, however, I find Jim and KSG’s statements that they would pray behind my back as quite infuriating and insulting. If, as posited, you know my position about god, how about caring about me by respecting my beliefs (or lack thereof). Praying behind my back is deceitful and I think your religion frowns on that. Just leave me out of your conversations with your god.

  SezMe, welcome to this blog and thanks for sharing your opinion.

  I have a question for you: when you don’t pray for people who believe in prayer, does that disrespect their beliefs? If not then why does their praying for you when you’re not around disrespect your lack of beliefs? I would have thought it was the other way around: that it’s a mark of respect that they don’t pray for you in front of you.

  Of course, I can’t speak for all atheists, but I suspect most would feel as I do.

  Hopefully we’ll hear from some other atheists and find out whether they do or not.

• Comment by: KSG

  30 06/5/06 1:21 PM | Comment Link |

  Welcome SezMe, thank you for joining the conversation…

  I apologize if you find my comments insulting. I hope you’ll find Jim and I to be fairly non-insulting, non-manipulative persons who want what’s best for you. And sometimes the best we can give is a prayer.