Posted by Helen on: 08.08.2006 /
Last week I posted a quote from The Progress Paradox by Gregg Easterbrook. Here’s another one:
In a society where most things are basically good for most people, stress triggers may be lowered to ever more delicate settings. Americans and Europeans today get upset, and complain bitterly, about slights or setbacks so tiny our forebears would not even have noticed them.
I saw an example of this in my e-mail inbox a week ago. I received a flurry of e-mails following an e-mail to the mailing list for my childrens’ school.
These divided into two groups:
I was intrigued by how upset some people got over these inadvertent ‘unsubscribe me‘ e-mails. I find it pretty easy to delete e-mails. I wish every problem of life could be as easily solved, but, alas, a few minutes and a delete key don’t usually suffice…
On the other hand, I shouldn’t rush to judgment about what winds other people up. I’m sure those who know me could come up with a long list of small things I get excessively bent out of shape about.
Comment by: Rachel
1I think that Easterbrook’s statement is very accurate and insightful. One of the things I observe as part of our growing sense of entitlement is that we seem to have discovered a new right – the right to not be offended. It’s not simply the right to have people not hurt our bodies or steal our stuff or verbally threaten us with harm, but the right to not hear an opinion or viewpoint that offends us. And if someone else says or writes something we don’t like, we act indignant and abused.
I think that the proliferation of alternative media outlets has made it easier and easier for people to insulate themselves from ever hearing an opinion that they don’t agree with. My MIL told me a while back that she and my FIL have completely stopped watching the “liberal media” nightly news broadcasts. They have also stopped receiving the local paper. They now get all their news from Pat Robertson’s “700 Club” program. She recently informed me that WMDs were found in Iraq and that global warming is not real. (Pat Robertson has recently reversed himself on the global warming issue – miracles DO happen! – so it will be interesting to see if my MIL reverses herself also.)
One way I have seen this in my own life happened after the sudden death of my dad 3 years ago and more recently, as I have been struggling with some chronic health problems. It always seems that in difficult situations, people make all kinds of well-meaning but insensitive comments. I found myself becoming more and more indignant at the things people would say to me. I would smile and nod sweetly but then inwardly stew for days.
After one particular conversation, I walked away complaining bitterly to myself about an aquaintance’s unhelpful comments. Then it occurred to me, “This is ridiculous – stop whining! You know she meant well and you can’t walk around being so sensitive that no one can even talk to you!” Since then I’ve really been trying to focus on receiving people’s comments in the spirit they were intended and not allowing myself to be so fragile and easily offended.
Comment by: Helen
2Rachel wrote:
Wow…scary.
Great thoughts, Rachel. If you want to be Biblical about it, I’ve found that Jesus’ prayer “Father forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing” has been a helpful one for me to pray, when well-meaning people have hurt me.
Another thing I heard that stuck with me is “They said it once and hurt you once. Each time you remind yourself what they said you are choosing to let them hurt you all over again.” For me, that was a very powerful way to think about the downside of ‘stewing’!
Comment by: Karen
3I’m sorry you are having this experience, Rachel.
I think one thing that’s helpful for everyone is if you point out when people are being thoughtless. So many times in tough situations dumb “kneejerk” responses spring out of our mouths without our realizing what we’re saying. If we were corrected, instead of aided and abetted by silence or a smile, we might become more sensitive.
For instance, I had two miscarriages in three years. Of course, I got comments like: “Oh, what did you do to cause it?” or “Relax, you’ll get pregnant again soon.” Not helpful – and yet I realized the people were honestly unaware of how inappropriate their comments were.
I bit my tongue at the time, and stewed later, but now I wish I’d spoken up kindly and pointed out the unhelpful nature of such comments.
Comment by: Rachel
4Oh, Karen – how painful! I have heard others share similar experiences. It seems that miscarriage is a situation where people just don’t know what to say so they say something insensitive and awful. And I agree that sometimes we need to just speak up and let them know how we feel. Then that person is better prepared to be supportive in the future.
When someone is hurting, people need to forget about trying to fix it or explain it away or “make the person feel better.” My dad has been gone three years now. And the comments that still mean the most to me are my dad’s friends from our church who still come up to me from time to time and say “I sure do miss your dad.”
Comment by: Helen
5Karen wrote:
So sorry about the miscarriages, Karen.
I think speaking up kindly is a fine idea. At this time in my life I’m not sure I could do that. I would be too upset if they still didn’t get it. I think what I do is walk away, let go of it, but cross them off my ‘a safe person to be vulnerable with’ list forever.
Comment by: Rachel
6Yes – I’ve learned that you find out who your true friends are in times of crisis.
Comment by: Rachel
7One of the things that has really helped me put things in perspective has been getting involved in the global poverty movement. As I’ve learned more about extreme poverty, I’ve become increasingly aware of and grateful for how privileged I am.
A website that I recommend to everyone is http://www.globalrichlist.com You input your annual income and it shows you how rich you are compared to the rest of the world’s population. (Be sure to select the correct currency – it’s a UK site and it defaults to pounds.)
Comment by: Bruce Logue
8Wow, Rachel. Globalrichlist.com is really sobering. Thanks for the URL; I plan to share it with friends.
Comment by: Julie Marie
9Rachel,
Thanks for globalrichlist. I needed a reality check as earlier this week I was fuming about the fact that the carpet installers didn’t show up till 1 pm….even as I realized intellectually that my expectation was not anywhere near the huge problem I was making it out to be!
Comment by: Helen
10Yes, thanks for that site, Rachel. Wow. It sure helps put things back in perspective.
Comment by: Eliza
11Rachel – I echo those thanks. I’ve emailed the link to several people.
Brief thought amused me about globalrichlist.com…I pictured Bill Gates at his laptop at home, going to that website and entering his wealth (OK, so his income isn’t so large, it’s his assets) and then deciding to start the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation!
Comment by: Eliza
12And, going back to Helen’s questions at the start – I think the little things bother me more when the big things aren’t going well, either. Of course, the ‘big things’ need to be put in perspective – I do have a roof over my head (it leaks in a few places, but is solid & keeps us dry & warm) – I have plenty to eat, I’m safe, my family is around me and healthy (knock on wood). So, really, the things I think of as ‘big things’ probably really aren’t.
Comment by: Julie Marie
13yeah, I’m thinking that too, Eliza…
Comment by: Helen
14The ‘flurry of e-mails’ event made the local newspaper:
Parents flood Julian listserv following server glitch
Anyway, speaking of keeping things in perspective…my Dad was supposed to on a plane, on his way here from London, right now as I write this.
He heard the news before he left for Heathrow. After a long time on the phone was able to be rebooked on the next available flight – which is not until Tuesday.
His flight might actually end up going today – it seems like some of the flights to the US are getting out eventually, about 4 hours late – but the airport is such a mess I’m glad he’s not dealing with it today.
I wish he wasn’t going to be delayed five days. But I’d rather it be this way than Heathrow being ‘normal’ today because the terrorist plans remained undiscovered. Then he’d have risked boarding a plane targeted for an attack.
Comment by: Julie Marie
15oh my Helen! Now that is something worth getting a wrinkled brow over!
Comment by: Helen
16It’s disappointing but…again, keeping it in perspective, he’s fine (as are the other people who might have ended up on targeted flights had the plans not been uncovered and the terrorists not caught), which is very good news.