Posted by Helen on: 10.10.2006 /
I ran across The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz a few years ago. It’s a book about “how we think”, which I’ve been interested in for a number of years now. I found it not long after I had developed significant problems with what I was hearing at church and in Bible study. This book provided a welcome contrast - I found it refreshingly positive and empowering.
Because it’s not a Christian book it didn’t push me to do the Christian things I wasn’t doing (praying and reading the Bible) or to have a certain view of the God I wasn’t sure I even believed in anymore. I was used to evangelical Christianity saying my problems were due to an innate sin nature that I would struggle against my whole life. This book blamed them on ways of thinking I had learned and said I could unlearn them.
The following is is from Don Miguel Ruiz’ website:
In this powerful book that has remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for over five years, don Miguel reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.
The Four Agreements
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonÃt be the victim of needless suffering.3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
The language of the book was a little different from what I was used to. But I enjoyed the challenge of putting what he said in terms I was more familiar with. The whole first chapter is on this webpage, if you’re interested.
Comment by: Mike O
1 10/10/06 11:12 AM | Comment Link |I haven’t read chapter one yet (I intend to), but the four agreements you listed here don’t seem to go against any Christian teaching I’m aware of.
Comment by: Paul
2 10/10/06 1:48 PM | Comment Link |I think i have a natural affinity with all of them - accept i think i feel most challenged about 2, but then I’ve just had a fight with the missus so whilst I’d like to not take anything personally and deny any responsibility for the effect of my angry words, i kinda feel the opposite… hmmmm
Comment by: David H
3 10/10/06 3:20 PM | Comment Link |These things resonnate with me also. There may be a level of understanding on what these mean and how to do them (it may not be easy all of the time). But I expect that’s why he wrote a book about it rather than just leaving it at those four points.
Being a journalist, the “don’t make assumptions” concept has been drummed into my head for decades — yet it remains hard to fight that, even in close relationships. And the biblical admonition to let your yes be yes certainly seems to jibe with point 1.
Not taking anything personally might get easier with people with whom you aren’t close. I would guess it gets increasingly hard to not take personally the things said and done by those with whom you have the closest personal relationships.
Comment by: jim
4 10/10/06 11:46 PM | Comment Link |My wife loved this book - I think you recommended it to me helen
Comment by: Helen
5 10/11/06 3:10 AM | Comment Link |Jim - yes I did. I’m glad your wife enjoyed it!
Comment by: Helen
6 10/11/06 3:18 AM | Comment Link |Paul and David H - these are my thoughts about “don’t take anything personally”:
In my experience people do tend to err on the side of taking things too personally, so I think challenging them not to do that is a great idea. As the book helpfully points out, we tend to think everything is ‘all about us’ whereas it really isn’t. The author says if someone compliments him he doesn’t take it seriously because it means that person is having a good day; and likewise if someone criticizes him it means they are having a bad day.
My own view is that this is too extreme - I think it’s wise to listen to what other people say to us, especially those we trust and know well. Then to interpret that remembering that a large component of what they say and the way they say it is to do with them. I think after we take that into consideration, there often remains something which we’d be wise to pay attention to.
So, if someone in the heat of an argument yells “You care more about the dog than me!” - while that’s probably not literally true, it may be wise to consider “Perhaps I haven’t been paying that person as much attention as I might”.
And therefore, Paul, I think you’re very wise to be a little cautious about dismissing everything your wife said in the heat of argument!
Comment by: Helen
7 10/11/06 3:22 AM | Comment Link |Mike O - it might not come across in what I wrote, but the book in its entirety presents the view that people are basically good, rather than that they are fallen. To me that contradicts the teachings of conservative Christianity.
In my opinion the four agreements could be applied by conservative Christians without causing them to betray their own values or beliefs. However I think a conservative Christian reading through the whole book would find himself or herself disagreeing with the ‘philosophical background’/'underlying belief system’ presented in the book even if he/she thought it contained some excellent advice in it about life and relationships.
Comment by: Paul
8 10/11/06 6:45 AM | Comment Link |well done helen, you’ve just summarised my 9 yrs of married wisdom into one sentance :)
Comment by: David H
9 10/11/06 12:36 PM | Comment Link |Helen,
My pastor is fond of saying that all truth is God’s truth no matter where you find it. I have found nuggets of truth in the most unlikely places during my life and work.
I don’t know, however, if that would be a help to consevative Christians.
Comment by: Bryan
10 12/6/06 3:43 AM | Comment Link |I am a conservative Christian, and I read and got a lot out of this book. I highly recommend it.
When it comes to discerning truth, it is important to know what God’s Word says. When you are becoming discouraged by what you are hearing in church, it is important to know what God’s Word says. When it comes to wondering if God is really there and if he really cares, it is important to know what God’s Word says.
I recently came to somewhat of a “crisis of belief.” I know there are a lot of people out there who claim to be Christians, but don’t behave any differently than the world and appear to be more successful. There are a lot of “preachers” out there who claim to speak in Jesus’ name, but are only interested in taking money from gullible Christians. I know there are times when I really feel like I need God’s immediate guidance, but he remains silent.
So I spent a little time with God, telling him about these things that were bothering me. What I came away with was a very strong understanding that it is critical to know what God’s Word says. The reality of God is not affected by how Christians choose to live their lives. He is not affected by false or misguided teachings. He is not affected by our time table.
God was, is, and will always be, God. And he has shown us who he is in his Word. He has told us who he is in his Word. He has given us, and preserved for us, his Word, so that no matter what we are going through, we can know who God is.
“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” ~ James 4:8
This reminds me of Peter, whom Jesus allowed to walk out to him on the water. Peter did so as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus. But when he began to look around at the wind and the waves he became afraid and began sinking. In our own lives we can become discouraged and even lose faith in God when we look at everything going on around us (even in church). But if we are reading, meditating on, and memorizing God’s Word, we can know for ourselves that we can trust in God. And because of his Word and his Spirit we can discern whether the things we are being taught about him are on or off the mark.
By the way, Helen, both your statement of evangelical Christianity and Ruiz’ book lack one key component when it comes to change. That is the power of the Holy Spirit within a Christian to bring about change.
“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.” ~ Romans 8:5-6
Comment by: Helen
11 12/6/06 4:17 AM | Comment Link |Bryan, thanks for your comments.
I’ve reposted them as a new blog entry to see what other people have to say. Here’s the link to it:
The power of God’s Word and Spirit
I’ll address why I didn’t mention the power of the Holy Spirit in a comment on the new blog entry.
Comment by: Helen
12 01/2/07 6:53 AM | Comment Link |JoAnn wrote the following comment on the visitor’s page:
JoAnn, I understood the author to be using quite a lot of metaphor - I assumed ‘dream’ was a metaphor, for example.
If anyone has responses for JoAnn that aren’t specifically about The Four Agreements, please post them here:
No gray areas
Comment by: JG
13 01/2/07 8:57 AM | Comment Link |For me, whilst I believe in absolute truth, I don’t believe any of us have the ability to fully understand that truth absolutely even with the help of the Holy Spirit. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says:
There are therefore certainly grey areas when it comes to OUR ourstanding of God.
I missed this when it was first posted. I have reservations about point 2:
How does this differ from Simon and Garfunkel’s I am a rock, I am an island?
For me, living is about relationships. When you engage in relationships, you open yourself up to being let down, hurt etc etc but this is merely one side of the coin.
To engage in relationship means to care what the other person thinks and feels. It means we can be hurt by the other person and that things we do can hurt the other and we should care about that.
I also think relationship is about entering into shared reality.
Comment by: Helen
14 01/2/07 1:09 PM | Comment Link |JG, I agree that “Don’t take anything personally” is too extreme.
I do think most people tend to take things too personally and so taking things less personally would be a good idea.
The author of the book says if someone compliments him it’s mostly because that person is in a good mood and if someone criticizes him it’s mostly because that person is in a bad mood. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. As a consequence he doesn’t take what they say seriously. The way I apply it is, I listen but I bear in mind that all kinds of things lead a person to say what they say and so while it may contain some truth, it may well not be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I think to a large extent it’s up to us how much we let others hurt us - and that is one reason why the author says not to take things personally. It’s to protect us from being unnecessarily hurt by what is not about us but rather about someone else having a bad day which is resulting in them being mean to those around them.
Comment by: JG
15 01/2/07 2:22 PM | Comment Link |Helen,
Thanks for your comments. I agree with all you say.
Our security, sense of self worth etc etc certainly should not be based on what others think. We do need to be freed from the need to “please others”.
But we should value what others think. If someone criticises me, it may be because they are having a bad day. But it may be because I am doing something stupid or behaving stupidly and I need to hear, accept and apply their criticism. Even if their attitude is wrong and 99% of their criticism is unwarranted I should discern and take on board the 1% which is warranted.
But I certainly agree with the need to reject critisim that is unwarranted and to understand it may be a problem with the other person not with ourselves. But in that situation, could we not be concerned over what that person might be in a “bad mood” - an unfortunate loaded term, perhaps they are simply hurting and need to be embraced and encouraged rather than rejected because of their “critisim”.
It can work the other way too. We can find it hard to accept thanks or praise. Those of us who tend to be perfectionists need to hear people saying what we have done is fine and not persist in trying to make it perfect.
All the best for 2007!
Comment by: Helen
16 01/2/07 2:54 PM | Comment Link |I hope you have a great 2007 too!
Comment by: Joseph
17 03/19/07 10:24 AM | Comment Link |Thank you for posting this review of the book and its teachings; I found the book through a ‘forgiveness’ website and tagged it until I found this insightful posting. God, our ultimate person, is MERCY, mercy, mercy, and so balances righteousness and love for us in our wandering ways. Grant me a plumbline, and heal my thinking, G-d. Thank you for the Toltec correction,too. Amen.
Comment by: Helen
18 03/19/07 10:59 AM | Comment Link |Hi Joseph, thanks for your comment. I’m glad you found this review helpful.
Comment by: Doreen
19 03/19/07 7:31 PM | Comment Link |My translation and practical implementation of this is
I’m looking forward to reading this book this summer.
Comment by: Judy Martin
20 07/14/07 9:21 AM | Comment Link |Helen,
As an educator for over 23 years, a deeply spiritual individual and someone who miraculously (like Don Miquel Ruiz) survived a near death experience, I believe The Four Agreements, was recommended to me through the influence of the Holy Spirit. I have no doubt that the “reason” I am alive is to make a positive difference in the lives of others–that I can best serve and praise my God by educating those who are “domesticated” by society’s diverse perceptions of “truth” to search within their own inner knowledge to seek their original, authentic self. The four ageements constantly reverberate to remind me to be impeccable with my word and not to take things personally even when some conservative and self-professed “Christians” pass judgement not only against books they want to censor for everyone but also against educators who defend intellectual freedom for students. When I practice the agreement to “not make assumptions but to ask for clarification” none of these vehement, judgmental individuals are willing to clarify or justify their “unreasonable” claims. I agree that Ruiz intended his Toltec book of wisdom (philosophy) to teach us “how we think”; yet, can society truly be transformed or acheive lasting peace and goodness when actually using our God-given gift of reason is tauted as “esotetric pagan spiritualism”? (Yes! That was the grounds for censorship when I “recommended” the book to my students for summer reading; note I did not “require” the book.) Perhaps asking questions or revealing facts truthfully IS NOT being impeccable with my word? While my intent is not to offend, I cannot and will not try to brain-wash others nor will I judge those who do not agree with me. In so many ways, I have been transformed to the point where I possess personal freedom not just because I read a book based on Toltec philosophy but because I know the power of truth and how to seek it. Another thought–all the great teachers, Jesus Christ, Socrates, Mohammed, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Martin Luther King, Gandi, and the list goes on, lived by the four agreements and accepted their own “truth” but most were persecuted in their own times by critics who followed personal agendas based on politics, economics, or religion–all man-made institutions. As Elie Weisel once said,” No faith is pure when it degrades the faith of the other.” Education, “how we think”, reason–while the concept can be taught, refined and practiced with respect for those who practice thinking differently, how can anyone use my GOD as a weapon to attack those who seek him in their own way and as a shield to anonymously hide behind or protect themselves from being held accountable. Still, I will always do my best and have no regrets. I, not others, am in control of my own reality.