Posted by Helen on: 10.25.2006 /
I caught a little bit of a Christian radio show about raising kids for true greatness last week.
I think every parent has hopes for their children. And if you aren’t currently raising children maybe you have nieces or nephews or grandchildren you have hopes for.
Comment by: Julie Marie
1resilency. I once asked my counselor what is it that allows some people to prevail over circumstances that crush others – and how can I make sure my son has this ability? He said psychologists were just starting to publish research on the concept called “resiliency.”
I want my son to have the confidence to tackle life independently, but know also he has limits. I want him to recognize when he is getting close to his limit before he tumbles over the line, and I want him to know where to go for help – and not be too proud to ask for it.
I want him to own his feelings as he goes through life, even if he choses to act in opposition to them – I want him to be honest with himself about what he really feels and why.
I want him to live a life that is congruent with his beliefs, and I want him examine his beliefs and change them as warranted by his life experience.
I want him to retain his caring, thoughtfulness, and his helpfulness, but I want him also learn about appropriate boundaries, how to set them, and how to maintain them.
I want him to enjoy the world we live in, and although I expect him to work to his potential (which of course, as his mother, I think is exceptionally high ;)) I also want him to value recreation. Recognizing there are seasons where it is impossible to maintain that elusive “balance”, I still hope to see him incorporate fun – however he defines it – into his life, not as a tack-on after all the other duties are attended to, but as a priority.
And I want him to know, however old he gets, and whatever he choses to do with his gift of life, if he wants to come by for dinner, Mama will set him a place at the table.
Comment by: Siamang
2For some reason I couldn’t hear the link above.
But anyway, I’m raising my 3 year old daughter. The thing I most want for her is a sense of compassion for others. I think that’s the trait that will serve her best as she grows. It will connect her to other people. I believe very strongly in reciprocal altruism, so I think that a caring person is more likely to have people in her life who care for her. I want her to be quite able to form connections with other people. I think a connected person is most likely to have a happy and fulfilled life.
I have other hopes for her, of course. I really hope she grows to be a creative person who excells at whatever she chooses to do. I think something very important is to make her a person who analyses her own psychological makeup… I think that is really a necessary tool for anyone, and I see good friends of mine careen out of control when they don’t have a good mental picture of who they are.
My secret plan (we’ll see how it goes) is to bypass the dangers of teen girl angst/rebellion by raising her as a science geek. If she’s really focused on academics, hopefully the makeup and boys thing will have minimal impact. (I can dream, can’t I?)
Comment by: Mike O
3The number one thing I want to see in my son is a good, solid relationship with Christ. And I want to see him live a life fulfilled, whatever that means to him. Not just money and comfort, but fulfillment (which can include great difficulty). I want him to know what he believes, and why. I want him to capitalize on my strengths, and overcome my weaknesses. And whatever happens, I want him to have an undercurrent of joy, no matter what the circumstances may bring.
Comment by: April Terry
4When my son was little, I wrote the following poem that I think sums up my feelings:
—-
God, help my child to grow up laughing,
Seeing the world through smiling eyes,
Openly showing and receiving love, being able to give and take with equal dignity.
Help my child to express as well as attain kindness,
Showing mercy to the transgressor and patience to the tedious,
Speaking from sensitivity and intelligence, listening with intensity and understanding.
Teach my child to stretch out his arms to humanity,
Not being afraid to touch the poor, the angry, or the faithless,
Giving companionship to the friendless, and compassion to those without warmth.
Give my child the strength to achieve integrity,
Standing up against injustice to become a pillar for righteousness.
Let him be a lantern to those whose eyes have seen only darkness,
And the harmony of music to those whose ears have heard only horror.
With the knowledge of Your Loving Grace,
Show my child that the greatest of leaders are the greatest of servants.
Comment by: Helen
5Thanks everyone – your answers are all so thoughtful!
Siamang here’s the page I got the audio link from – scroll down to the October 17 program:
Midday Connection – Past Program Info
Comment by: David H
6A struggle my wife and I have had with our children is how to get them to value the things that we value. My family was fairly poor, so we didn’t have a lot of variety in food as we grew up. My wife raised her younger siblings when her family fell apart during the Vietnam war. She has many memories of having no food on the table and no idea when the next meal will come. So how do we teach our daughters not to waste food and not to be spoiled about food when they have never had to go hungry? How do we teach them to really care for people around the world who don’t have it as good as we do?
Both my wife and I didn’t always have the best of clothes when growing up. We value good clothes now, but we don’t live and die by them. Labels don’t mean anything to us. But my older daughter has already reached the age where she wants to be like everyone else in how she dresses and that means attention to labels — not the quality or cost of the clothes. How can we teach her differently (without fighting and weeping) when she has never faced life knowing there isn’t any money for new clothes?
My wife grew up an outcast in her society because of her family’s problems and because her father was an officer in the losing army during that ugly war. I grew up an outcast because my father’s problems caused us to get run out of more than one town. I wouldn’t wish on my children any of the things that happened to my wife or I, but how do we make the understand that following the herd can lead to terrible mistakes?
We try to teach them the lessons we learned with love and patience. We have to repeat what we tell them over and over. Often it is quite frustrating. Things it took me only a couple of beatings to learn can take quite a bit longer when you refuse to whip your child. But I don’t want them to get all the “extra” stuff that came with my learning experience.
I see amazing things in my children. They are good, caring, intelligent, creative, and far more outgoing and adventurous then I was able to be at their age (maybe even than I am now). I hope for them strength and integrity, the ability to give and receive grace, and the desire to be the best they can be at whatever they try. But I sometimes wonder if they can achieve that without some of the hard teaching I hope they never have to face.
Comment by: Julie Marie
7April that is a beautiful poem.
Siamang, if ever there was a person who could sidetrack a teenager into fascination with science, it would be you. I wish you success with that.
Mike O I agree fulfillment can come with great difficulty. I think we may miss much when we pursue happiness as a way to fulfillment.
David H I wonder about that hard teaching too. Those of us that have hardhip in our backgrounds have an appreciation for the comparative ease of our lives now that I think can only come from prevailing over the struggle. I think the struggle, up to a point, can create more tender hearts, too.
How lucky your kids are to have such thoughtful committed parents!
Comment by: Paul
8Well here’s the thing, I just hope not to mess up to much… although if God, the perfect parent could see his creations exercising freewill and doing their own thing then i guess i feel a bit more chilled.
So I want my boys to both grow up to be independent, to think for themselves, to be able to express their own unique creative energies and personalities in a way that more often then not blesses the world around them…
Oh and as I tell em now, i might be changing their nappies/diapers now but that’s only so they can do likewise for me when I’m an old codger
Comment by: Karen
9Paul wrote:
I’ll second that. It about perfectly encapsulates my hopes for my boys as well. :-)
David wrote:
Don’t despair, David. You’re most likely doing all the right things already, in the situation where you find yourselves. I’ve learned, now that my kids are teenagers, that values come from talking and from modeling. Even though they don’t seem to be picking up on what you’re teaching now, I bet those values are sinking in and will be apparent in their lives as they mature. It’s very rewarding to see the things that seemed to be going over their heads surface later and think, “Wow! they got it!” :-)
I don’t think your girls have to go hungry (and let’s be grateful that they don’t!) in order to feel compassion for the hungry or to understand the importance of conservation. On the other side of the equation, I think it’s also important to teach and model enjoyment when appropriate. So, if you and your wife can afford to provide them with abundant, healthy food and nice clothing, it’s okay for them to enjoy and appreciate that, while not becoming decadent about it. I add that last part as the product of a family that tended toward miserable asceticism and unnecessary penny-pinching, and that’s not a healthy way to live life either.
Siamang wrote:
That sounds like a good plan. I don’t have girls, but I know some wonderful teenaged girls and they are definitely focused on two things: School and sports. As opposed to: Boys and fashion. If she shows some interest, try signing her up for soccer in a couple of years. I’ve found that girls who get into athletics are really balanced and sensible, overall. (Plus, I object to the idea that girls should be on the sidelines, cheering, instead of out on the playing field, competing.)
Comment by: Meg
10My dear little girls are 4 and 2. i’ve just read people’s answers, and like them, especially the poem, but can’t think of any answers myself. child-rearing is so hands-on, intense and up-close, it’s hard to have brain-space to think about the bigger picture, and dreams and ideals. but a good idea. i’ll have to think. think? if i can remember how…
Comment by: Kathleen
11Very interesting question. I wish I knew how my parents would answer it, as I just got my semesterly “sorry to have been a bad parent” e-mail from my dad. Every so often, something (this time it was the death of my mother’s cousin, who had kids my age and younger) sparks my dad into remorse for having been such a horrible parent. From my perspective, my parents were as good as or better than most, and I think that my sisters and I turned out very well (but then, I’m biased, aren’t I?). And yes, I’ve told them that before. It doesn’t stop my dad from the apologies for his temper, his foul mouth, his (as coach) not playing me in that one basketball game against my cousin’s team (which he fixates on to an extreme degree and once called “his worst parenting mistake”!). None of which have done any damage, from my perspective.
It’s probably the parents who actually do need to apologize who never do, and those who don’t (like my dad) do so 2-3 times a year (and how on earth do you respond to that, when the apolgy is for something you don’t think ever happened?).
My response to the e-mail was along the lines of a joking “hey, we turned out ok!” I wonder how the way we turned out (which he agreed was “okay”) compares to how they would have wanted us to turn out, when they first started raising kids 20 years ago?
Comment by: David H
12Parenting is so often filled with fear and regret; two things that are highly unproductive. I can see in my siblings how child-rearing based on fear can be teribbly harmful and, in the end, it does nothing to prevent consuming regret. I try not to give into the fears, though from my upbringing and imagination they feel very real. Likewise I try to resist regret, because I have no choice but to build on the past. But like evil little cats those things jump out and nip me at unexpected times. I wrote the following for my daughter when she was 3 because of such a feeling.
—
We stare in silence at the lavender sky
she impatiently searching for a wishing star
me reufully hurrying the creeping gloom
to stalk sunset and rend bleeding clouds,
draining them to dusk.
Darkness is death to her:
close of day,
end of play,
brush your teeth,
take a bath,
have to fight
before “good night.’
She curses the killer I welcome
for its moments
of sleep, perchance to dream.
“Beauty,’ I murmur.
A regret to the bruised heavens,
the shrouded earth,
the little spark upon my knee,
an ember against the night.
“Yes, Daddy,’ she replies.
Comment by: Julie Marie
13one of the high points of my day is when I lay down with my son at night. (it took me awhile to get over the childrearing books that strictly advised against this, but I’m so glad I did!) He loves music, and I let him pick what songs I will listen to as we relax. He’s been really cute lately trying to pick songs he thinks I will enjoy, rather than his favorites over and over and over…
Comment by: Marty SB
14I have never had children, but one time I reflected on this subject when thinking about what I might share with my Nephew as he and his wife wrestled with the Spiritual/Religious aspects of raisin their children. Here is what I wrote – but don’t think I ever sent:
Marty’s Thoughts on the Spiritual/Religious Raising of Children
Authentic — by this I mean that the most important thing in ones Spiritual path is to be able to tell yourself and others the truth of what you believe. This is extremely difficult because there is so much external pressure from others to believe exactly what they believe. Many people find themselves feeling there is something wrong with them if they don’t believe as someone else does. One needs to surround themselves with people who value you the same regardless of whether you believe the same as they do. I have always had the gift of valuing being authentic and real, but there have been many times when I found it extremely difficult. If people in your life do not allow you to speak your truth without negatively judging you, you need to find friends that will. There are many people who feel it is not safe to share their beliefs with others and therefore either remain silent (which may be the wisest thing to do in some cases) or to profess a belief that is not real to them, because they feel that is necessary for them to be accepted by others.
A child will not find his or her authentic belief system until they are capable of rejecting all belief systems, including that of their parents, and then make a decision as to what Spiritual path is right/best for them — including the choice of their parents beliefs.
God is a Loving God — I believe God is a loving God. God is Love. If God is not a loving God, I am not interested in him/her. If God is going to severely limit who lives happily after death, God is not a loving God, and I am not interested in her/him.
Our Spirituality is meant to be a Love driven rather than a guilt or fear driven belief system. Those who choose to preach a fear and guilt driven belief system are highly suspect as to whether they are being motivated by God or by their own egos and need to control.
God Speaks Directly to Each Person — my own path focuses on how I can tune into her/him directly. God may speak through books, ministers, friends, etc, but the discernment (decision/choice of what to believe and what not to believe) can only be done through how God speaks directly to each of us.
God manifests him/herself to different people differently and we can learn much from each of the great religions as well as from those whose connection to God is through nature or other connections that are not religious.
Our Beliefs are always a work in process.- God is never done with us.
God is and will always be a mystery — we will never be able to discern absolute truth.
The Challenge in training Children is that they do not have the ability to choose a Spiritual path until they are in their late teens, but they need to be given basic and loving Spiritual training upon which their values will be instilled from their youngest years.
Comment by: Doreen
15Of course I want all good things for them, but if I could only pick one, I’d pick compassion for others.
Comment by: Alejandra Halvorssen
16It is great that you are interested in this topic. I have recently set up a blog that deals with raising great kids at http://aguidetoraisinggreatkids.blogspot.com
Feel free to send me your comments.
All the best,
Alejandra
Comment by: Helen
17Thanks for the link, Alejandra!