Posted by Helen on: 11.05.2006 /
On comment #1 of Meg’s conference experience, Benjamin wrote:
I also had an amazing time at the conference. I’m a bit stymied, however. I went away thinking “All right, I’m going to be *kind* and pursue justice!” And right away, I was enormously unkind to someone. “*@*!&”. And my unkindness grew out of my fury at this person for their perpetration of injustice. “Self, now here’s a fine dilemma”, I said to myself. I seem to face this dilemma everywhere—this very human dilemma of always running smack into unfathomable paradoxes, and being somehow required to engage them. Dwight Friesen talked about how maybe being Christian means finding those places where we are doing/thinking the us/v/them thing, and choosing to *be* the “and” to replace the “v” in that equation. Kind of choosing to lean into those relationship where that happens, rather than leaning away from them. but god*@^*>!, I hate the way I behave in those relationships, and that’s *why* I lean away from them. so frustrating…thanks for listening!
This fascinates me because I’ve been thinking for a while that Christian teaching misled me about behavior change. Christian teaching made me think that behaving differently requires two things - a desire to be different and faith that God can empower me to be different. And then like Benjamin I would go out, with faith and a desire, only to fail miserably the next time I faced the situation in which I wanted to be different. Then I’d be frustrated with myself and conclude I needed to pray more or something like that.
While I’m sure behavior change needs us to want to change - and I respect people believing that God will respond to that desire and empower those with faith to be different - I think there’s a very important third aspect to it. I am convinced it requires practice. How we treat others is a habitual thing. Changing a habit always requires practice. So - if we decide to be different (and have faith God’s power will make us different) - we still will need some practice to get us to the point where it becomes habitual to, for example, think “Hey, how about if I don’t retaliate but rather am kind back to this person who was just mean to me?”
What do you think? Is faith and the desire to be different enough? Or have you also found it takes practice too?
Comment by: David H
1 11/5/06 6:13 AM | Comment Link |I have known people who seemed to live the “change”" almost from the point of salvation. Faith and desire completely turned them around almost instantly.
However, I have only known a few such people. I have known many more who found that lasting change wasn’t something they could manage; people who changed from one type of un-good behavior to another; and people who became very good actors of a Christian faith without much real change inside.
Practice is good and necessary, but I also wonder if that is enough. Trying to do something and getting it wrong or incomplete on a repeated basis can be a wonderful incentive to quit. I would add support to the list of things needed to help me change my behavior. I’m not talking about people who will force me to change my behavior or even follow me around to warn me when I’m headed wrong. Rather I believe there is a need for beig around people who will listen and tell their own stories of success and failure, thus allowing me to see successful change in me as an incremental process. A process that is going on even if I can’t always see it.
Comment by: Helen
2 11/5/06 6:15 AM | Comment Link |David, thanks for adding ’support’ to the list of what’s needed.
That’s actually why we have an OA blog - to provide support for people who are out there doing their best to become OA-ers.
Comment by: benamin ady
3 11/5/06 10:14 AM | Comment Link |David–I couldn’t agree with you more! I would throw (brutal) honesty into the mix as well. I have a couple of brilliant supportive relationships where honesty is perhaps the main ingredient. The reason this helps so much is that we basically never have to call each other out over the *really* bad stuff, because we bring that stuff to the table for ourselves.
Comment by: Meg
4 11/5/06 7:21 PM | Comment Link |David, I found your comments heartening, in that you emphasised gradual process rather than instant transformation. For me, the tension between being in control and feeling out of control is a central dynamic in the degree of positive change happening in my life. The frustrating thing for me is that change doesn’t seem to last. I am a wave, swinging down into the undesirable ways, and up into the desirable, and down into the un…
Comment by: Helen
5 11/5/06 8:13 PM | Comment Link |Meg I think ups and downs like that are very normal. Were you reading the blog yet when I posted about The Four Agreements? It helped me a lot that one of the agreements in there is “Always do your best - BUT your best is not the same every day. Some days you will be able to accomplish more than other days.”
Comment by: Paul
6 11/6/06 8:17 AM | Comment Link |For me it has been rethinking my whole model of what growth should look like as a christian - honesty and support are vital for the doing but I have often felt a failure in the past if my life has not been about an onward progressive march from glory to greater glory (or better n better…).
This is on my mind as I just did a post about why I have tempered my linear expectations of growth with a model that is more like the growth of a tree - circular and at different pace, but with outward dynamic as much as an inward one…
Comment by: David H
7 11/6/06 6:41 PM | Comment Link |One of my realizations after spending some time in therapy was that there are things about me which can’t be fixed. The Freudian model says that if you can just figure out why you have an issue, then you can fix the issue (I am afraid of the dark because I was locked in a closet as a child). I know I’m simplifying. However, the model I encountered told me that some of the things I considered problems were as much a part of me as my eye and hair color. Just knowing what caused them didn’t do a thing to “fix” them. What that encouraged me to do was to find a way of living with those issues in a way that would do as little further harm to me or others. One of my issues is that I have a hard time making choices. The more important or costly a decision, the more paralyzed I am even by the thought of it. So rather than beating myself up about being a procastinator, I have to work on ways to help myself reach the point of deciding. Some days I do better than others, but the reality is I have to face the struggle and try to build on whatever successful strategies I find. Cause the other reality is tat this and other “problems” aren’t likely to just go away.
The struggle is life. I didn’t control the circumstances that formed me. And I have little (if any) hold on the eventual outcomes of what I do (who can 30 years in the future to how one parenting decision will affect a middle-aged child). All I have is here and now in which to say:
Today was a good day or (on the other days) I hope tomorrow is a better day. I know some things that help me stand, I know some things that make me fall. Help me to hold those in heart and mind as I walk.
Comment by: bianca
8 11/7/06 6:13 PM | Comment Link |I know that everyone’s journey is different, but for me, a huge change occured in my day to day life as well as my perceptions of who I was as a believer when I began focusing on trying to treat others as Jesus would… I used to (and sometimes still do!) get so wrapped up in my own issues and behaviors in my life that were troublesome… But the more I focused on changing, the more frustrated I became and the further I got from being like Jesus… When I gave up and spent more energy on building relationships and trying to see people through Jesus’ heart, I found much more grace for myself as well. And as a result, I find that my attitudes about life, my perceptions of people and my desires to be different are becoming more consistent with how I believe Jesus would be were he wearing my shoes…
Comment by: Helen
9 11/8/06 7:51 AM | Comment Link |Thanks Bianca - I can relate to the benefits of looking outward instead of inward all the time.
I noticed one day that when I have conversations where I talk about me and my problems I walk away feeling worse. But when I intentionally make myself shut up and listen, I walk away thinking “Hey I did something kind for someone today” and I feel better than I did before the conversation. (There is a time and place for sharing with a kind person what I’m going through, and receiving their support - but there’s no need for me to endlessly whine, on the other hand…)
I think it’s good to look at myself sometimes but since my tendency is towards self-obsession I do best when I remind myself “Hey, look around you, pay attention - and maybe you could make someone else’s life a bit better today”.
Comment by: Doreen
10 11/8/06 4:17 PM | Comment Link |Bianca, I love
I often tease ministers & pastors why they can’t all pick one Sunday and do what the minister did in the classic, “In His Steps?” where the congregation is challenged by the “What Would Jesus Do” question.
Comment by: Doreen
11 11/8/06 4:21 PM | Comment Link |True changes only work for me if I really want to change. Sometimes I am so stubborn that true changes only work after I realize the pain or consequence of staying the same is worse than the discomfort or uncertainty of the change.
I also believe in pithy slogans. Sorry, I do….
My current favorite:
Sometimes “good enough” is good enough.
Comment by: bianca
12 11/8/06 6:09 PM | Comment Link |Comment by: David H
13 11/8/06 8:43 PM | Comment Link |Don’t we all.
I was raised in a fundementalist home and taught through childhood the Christian righteousness was all about doing certain right things. Other than the details there was little to separate Christian life from living under the Moasic law. A half-joking motto of my father’s was: Don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t chew — and don’t go with girls who do.
The upside of such legalistic faith is that right and wrong are knowable — in fact they can be memorized. That apparent ease and simplicity makes it all very attractive and almost hides the underlying difficulty and falseness.
True righteousness can’t really be found in memorizing verses or following a rigid code of conduct. A Pastor commenting on the ChurchRater blog wrote this:
The life of Jesus, as recorded in the gospels, seems to paint a similar picture — not in that he did similar awful things, but that he took a non-traditional approach to the Law. Righteousness probably does have more to do with attitude — a way of seeing people rather than the world or any institution, as well as a way of valuing individuals (including ourselves) apart in some senses from the things they do.
In other words, it isn’t so much about the whats, but the whys.
Comment by: Baxter
14 02/4/08 1:30 AM | Comment Link |I like the point that “Christian teaching made me think that behaving differently requires two things - a desire to be different and faith that God can empower me to be different.” The science of behavior informs us that so much more is required than that, and that the quoted view is naive and simplistic. The Bible is a lot of things, but a complete manual on how to do a lot of things, it isn’t. Yes, it points out our need for change, but doesn’t always give a comprehensive way of achieving it. Some good general suggestions/admonitions, but not a lot of specifics or detailed instruction.
This is why I like some of the “motivational” gurus, like Tony Robbins. He’s got techniques, tricks, if you will, which facilitate change, and enable us to do and be more of what we want to do and be. Because of the fear-induced narrow view that anything outside of established “christian” circles is ungodly/evil, we deprive ourselves of legitimate resources and information that can be incredibly useful as tools to get to where we’re trying to go. If anyone has a corner on the market of personal change, it’s Tony Robbins (I’m not on his staff or trying to promote him exclusively-just trying to make a point). Why not avail ourselves of his wisdom and knowledge?
Like many things, it’s not as simple as it’s made to seem. But change is necessary, and I think we have a much greater freedom in finding and using what works than much of what “traditional” christianity allows us.
Comment by: Helen
15 02/4/08 7:41 AM | Comment Link |Thanks for your comment, Baxter.
I agree - I’m not familiar with Tony Robbins in particular, but whoever it is, if they have helpful things to say, why not avail ourselves of them, what their religious beliefs (or lack thereof)? I’m all for that.