Posted by Rachel on: 11.08.2006 /
I’m currently reading an excellent book called “My Grandfather’s Blessings” by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD. Dr. Remen has been counseling people with chronic and terminal illness for more than 20 years and the book is a collection of stories and insights she has gleaned from these relationships. Dr. Remen has found that people facing serious illness often find unique wisdom and personal clarity in the midst of their suffering. They often find the courage to make dramatic changes in their lives that they would never have even considered before their illness.
I have been thinking a great deal about this particular excerpt, especially as I reflect on the values of the Way of Jesus expressed at the conference.
After twenty years of working with people with cancer, I have come to realize how much stress is caused by the sad fact that many of us believe in one way and live in quite another. Stress may be more a matter of personal integrity than time pressure, determined by the distance between our authentic values and how we live our lives.
* What do you think and feel about Dr. Remen’s statement?
* Does it reflect your own observations and experiences?
* What does a truly authentic life look like?
Comment by: David H
1It isn’t that I disagree, just that I’m not sure personal integrity is always the issue. I have quite a bit of stress in my life because of meeting the expectations of others. I may attempt to be honest with them, but that doesn’t always change their expectations. In some situations you can either choose to live with the stress or end the relationship (when it involves members of your family, then you often don’t have that second choice). But even the choice can cause stress in and of itself. It’s fine to say: I got to be me, like it or not. But is that always possible or even good inside relationships?
Comment by: Rachel
2I definitely relate to that, David. The most stressful interactions in my life have been with my mother. And as you point out, we don’t choose our family so that relationship isn’t optional. I have often felt that I am trapped between trying to please or pacify her and thus being untrue to myself and my convictions OR being brutally honest and creating more conflict and thus more stress. I have tried to strike a balance by letting some things go but also setting some clear boundaries in the areas that are most important to me.
The only thing that has really reduced my stress in that relationship is to recognize and accept that I simply can not meet her expectations. In order to fully meet her expectations, I would have to lose my authentic self and I will not do that. So I have to be content to do what I believe is right and not seek or require her approval. Much easier said than done, that’s for sure! It’s an ongoing process but I’m making progress.
Comment by: David H
3Setting boundaries is important. When dealing with parents, siblings, children, spouses there is frequently a push and pull around even those boundaries. You fight the desire for approval, but there is always that need in the background. If I don’t want at least acceptance, then there is little that actually constitutes relationship. And in the midst of all that is the second-guessing: Are my boundaries right, am I maintaining them properly, do I let this thing go or make it part of where I draw the line? It is all an ongoing process and but I am making progress (sometimes) also.
Maybe what bothers me about Dr. Remen’s statement, is the definition of integrity. When I read personal integrity I assume it refers to the dictionary’s first definition of the latter word because of her reference to values:
Perhaps an alternate definition of integrity provides a better sense of how maintaining it could affect my stress levels. That definition would be:
If I can have a strong, healthy sense of myself; if I am working at being a whole person, that kind of integrity (whether it is linked to values or not) can help me face the unavoidable stressors in my life.
Comment by: Helen
4Thanks for posting this, Rachel. I don’t think any of us completely live up to our values. Maybe that’s because they aren’t entirely consistent and/or we are constantly making judgment calls about which should take precedence in this particular moment.
I do agree that being in a situation where we feel constrained to act in ways not in accordance with our authentic values is stressful.
When I was going to church acting like more of a Christian than I was it took quite a bit of emotional energy.
Comment by: Rachel
5Yes, that is the tough question. I have always remembered something that a wonderful counselor said to me years ago about boundaries: When you set a healthy boundary you are saying to the other person, “It is hurting you for me to let you do this.”
Comment by: Rachel
6David, I think that is definitely the way that Dr. Remen would define integrity - not flawless adherence to a legalistic code but as a life of authenticity and wholeness. Dr. Remen suggests that we each have “an inner compass that points to our true self” and that when we ignore it, we are stressed and diminished.
I relate to this personally because I feel that I have spent most of my life trying to squeeze myself into the mold that I thought I was supposed to fit. Or to borrow an analogy from Brian McLaren, trying to make my puzzle pieces fit the picture on the box lid. In the last several years especially, I feel that I have become more and more my true self. I feel that I am finally being able to fit my beliefs and desires into a coherent whole. Of course this is a lifelong process but as the dissonance is decreasing, I feel more at peace with who I am and thus more able to deal with the disaproval of others.
Comment by: Helen
7Rachel wrote:
I can relate.
Something I heard a few years ago that really struck me, is: If a critical comment really hurts, it’s because it confirms what the voices in my head were already saying and they rush to agree with the critical comment
So, one person may be fine hearing “Boy that was a dumb thing you just did” - he/she will agree, plan to learn from the mistake and easily move on. But a person who has, say, grown up hearing something like “You’re so stupid!” is going to have a much harder time hearing that from someone else because a voice in his/her head will say “See? You ARE that dumb - I knew it!”
In April I told a pastor I couldn’t read the Bible and he said I was just ‘making excuses’. I hadn’t thought think I was, but what he said made me wonder about it. I started to think “Hmmm…could he right???” and that led into a painful confused couple of days until I realized “Hey, he has no clue what he is talking about and I should ignore what he said”.
(Yesterday I was asked elsewhere about something - do I mean ‘can’t’ or ‘choose not to’? So to be clear, ‘I can’t’ in this case means ‘I choose not to - because any possible benefits of doing so are heavily outweighed by the emotional and intellectual unrest it caused me the last few times I tried’)
Comment by: Paul
8Thanks Helen for your thoughts - and thank you for your thoughts elsewhere - i for one appreciate the distinction you are making between can’t and choose not too - in the example of reading the bible the can’t for me would mean that you do not know how to read or don’t read very well - rather than the pressure you feel when if you did.
For me for a long time i lived with the stress of being 2 me’s - a private me and a public me, the stress coming from being dragged between the 2.
Now I try and live as just me and be honest enough to project that inner me - i find it helpful to think that one of the great things I am good at is modelling imperfection and that gives me a significant amount of freedom to be wrong and accept that I am likely to be wrong about a lot of things.
I’m also pretty laid back so that helps a lot too :)
Comment by: Helen
9Paul, one of my goals is to be more laid back :)
I say ‘can’t’ because to me it seems more accurate than ‘won’t’. I don’t think there’s a word which exactly conveys the sort of choice I make when I choose not to do something because I’ve found it to be more painfully difficult than it seemed worth, according to my best judgment.
Comment by: David H
10Great thought Paul. I am almost certain I excel in that direction myself. If I ask around, some might even give me positive reinforcement of that trait.
Seriously, though, it seems to be a critical component missing from the Christian spiritual experience. At least in America we are supposed to be models of perfection, which is quite and often painfully impossible. How much different would the Evangelical experience in the U.S. be if the core teaching was that Christians are models of imperfection. That model isn’t built with self-righteousness, it is glued together with grace.
Comment by: Karen
11Paul:
Paul, this is exactly the interior tension that led to my midlife crisis, which sparked the spiritual reevaluation that eventually led me out of Christianity and later, religion altogether. If you’re interested in a name for the phenomenom, my counselor called it a “split-self crisis” and I thought that was quite apt.
Being able to integrate those two “selves” and project a more honest, whole person has been so liberating and joyful for me. :-) Maybe that’s why I don’t “miss” religion; I’ve found so much fulfillment through getting emotionally healthy.
Helen:
Helen, I relate to this one, too. The other, somewhat similar thing I found through therapy was that the people that most annoyed and frustrated me were actually people I envied and wished to be more like! That one really blew my mind, and when my counselor suggested it I said, “Oh no, you can’t be right about that!”
Well, guess what: She was! That was a big eye-opener and breakthrough for me. I particularly got irritated by people who spoke up a lot, and expressed their opinions freely. It made me uneasy, because I couldn’t handle conflict, had been taught that Christian women didn’t create controversy, so I rarely expressed a controversial opinion (even if I thought it in my head). I just held it in, and it became a part of my “split self.”
What my therapist pointed out is that subconciously I wanted to be able to stand up for myself and express my opinions and be listened to - which I wasn’t, especially in Christian circles. That’s why people who did that irritated me so much!
Comment by: Julie Marie
12wow, can I identify with this Karen! Still in the early stages of expressing my controversial opinions, I sometimes go overboard, but I’m much less frustrated now than I was even 1 year ago.
Comment by: Rachel
13I relate to that too, Karen. I have found that as I become more my true self, I have also become more tolerant of other peoples’ viewpoints. And I feel less of a need to defend or explain myself to people who disagree (unless it’s a friendly discussion format like this).
I recently expressed a theological viewpoint that turned out to be very controversial to my extended family - I really had no idea it would be a big deal. I had a conversation with my sister where she was so intensely concerned about my “heresy” and wanting to debate the issue. I just kept saying, “Why does it bother you guys so much that I think this? I’m not bothered by what you think. I’m not trying to change your mind.” I said, “I haven’t insulted you. I just have a belief in my head different from yours. Why does this bother you so much?”
I think of it as an issue of boundaries - knowing where I end and another person begins and vice versa. If I reach across the boundary line and slap the other person, I’ve violated them. But if I simply think something different from them, they shouldn’t feel threatened. I think that people are most threatened when they have a unclear sense of self, or a “split self” as you described, Karen. Because they don’t have a clear understanding of who they are, it is psychologically painful for them for others to have different opinions from theirs. Somehow it crosses the line and invades their space and they feel slapped. But if a person has a clear sense of self, they know that someone else’s beliefs don’t cross the line.
Comment by: bianca
14Wow, isn’t that the truth! I’ve been very interested in the research of Katherine Benzinger. She works primarily in the field of career counseling, but her work in brain dominance and congruence between that and career made a huge impact in my life. For so long, I tried to fit a stereotype of the ideal woman, exemplified at the time by my step-mom. She was so organized, structured, disciplined, routine, etc… An amazing housekeeper and wife in general, I really admired the way she ran her life. But I failed miserably time and time again. When I realized that she was quite a bit more “boxy” than me and my brain dominance gave me strengths in creativity and playfulness and divergent thought… Strengths that she didn’t have. It was like I was set free! As I’ve embraced the “squiggly-ness” of me, I have found a lot more peace about my tendency towards chaos. :/ But it takes just a word of mild criticism and I can be back in that state beating myself up for not keeping it all together as neat and tidy as I “should”.
I have found more peace between the seeming dissonance of my sexual orientation and my faith, but so much of my worldview in general has been turned upside down in the last 3 years that I find myself desparately trying to restructure it in a way that makes sense. Coming out of a very conservative and legalistic system of beliefs where there was always a neat and tidy answer for everything, this sense of not knowing “for sure” if I’m doing the right things is unsettling in the least. But I can’t continue to live in a way that makes perfect sense for my parents and goes against my own conclusions. Although the incongruency is decreasing, there is still too much and I notice the effect on my stress level and my ability to function effectively in my life. I realized after the conference how much I desparately need to carve out space in my life to sit and think and write and restructure…
You mentioned boundaries, Rachel, and the “heresy” situation with your family? I have finally had to come to grips with the realization that a boundary I have to keep with my parents and sibs is to not discuss much of anything in depth. Perhaps someday, I will be clear enough and feel confident enough in my ability to reason and make philosophical choices that differ from their’s that I will not be sucked into the cycle of debate with them. But for now, the only peace found with them is to maintain shallow conversation and connection… which I normally detest!
Comment by: Rachel
15I’ve been coming to the same conclusion, Bianca. I normally detest shallow conversation as well, but as you pointed out, with family it is often the only way to keep the peace. As the saying goes, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
BTW, I could use your prayers about my upcoming Thanksgiving visit with my fundamentalist family members!
Comment by: Helen
16Rachel and Bianca,
I am trying not to ‘value-judge’ my relationships as much as I used to. I used to wish they were all the same way and get upset when they weren’t. But now my goal is to appreciate each one for what it is and not be constantly thinking “I wish it were different”.
Part of this is, I think I used to beat myself up for not having infinite patience with everyone and keep praying that God would give me more patience, etc.
But actually, adjusting my ‘expectations’ about relationships and not wishing they were all like my ‘ideal relationship’ would be, has helped a lot more than all that praying. (Maybe prayer does work - I’m not saying it never does. I’m just saying that in my case and in this specific situation, adjusting my expectations has worked better)
Comment by: bianca
17Helen, I have definitely had to adjust my expectations with my family. DH has pointed out time and time again that the primary reason I’ve come away from family gatherings hurt and disappointed was because I expected somehow for things to change from the previous visit… Once I let go of much of those expectations, I enjoyed my family more. But I do still wish that I could share my heart more freely without it resulting in a debate or the not-so-subtle attitude that I’m going to hell in a handbasket for my perspective. :/ Regarding my family, I think prayer has made more of a difference for me in the sense of helping me remember what I cannot change and to accept that with grace and ’serenity’ as it were. On that note, Rachel, I will definitely lift you up and ask for showers of serenity on your behalf! :)
Comment by: Helen
18Bianca, I respect that your situation with your family is quite difficult and painful. You raise an excellent point in saying that prayer can help us accept wht we cannot change, and accept it with grace and serenity.
I feel sad for you and Rachel - you are such wonderful, open-hearted women - and yet you evidently have family members who are unable to receive what you have to give, or appreciate who you are.
Comment by: Rachel
19Thank you for your kind and encouraging comments, Bianca and Helen. I too find that prayer is most helpful when it is an opportunity to center myself on God’s grace and love so I can enter difficult situations with calmness and stability. I also pray for strength and wisdom to know the when it is time to simply keep peace and when it is time to set a boundary because it is an issue of self respect. What I don’t do is pray for everything to miraculously change and become easy and wonderful. And I don’t pray that I will respond “perfectly” and then beat myself up afterwards when I don’t. I just pray for God’s wisdom and for a balance of kindness and courage.
I don’t any longer attempt to change my family members’ minds. I find that I care less and less if they have different beliefs than I do. But I won’t subject myself to certain things. I have a male relative who would probably agree with just about everything Mark Driscoll says. We’ve had a difficult relationship. But we’ve gotten to the point where I can say in calm voice, “I know we completely disagree on this issue so I’d rather not talk about it. Can we change the subject?” and he will agree to that. And that’s really all I’m asking for.