Posted by Helen on: 11.14.2006 /
If you’re a Christian who might have been spiritually abused, you may well be in the process of trying to sort out what is abusive and what isn’t, so you can move towards into a relationship with God/Jesus full of freedom and grace. Abuse is often subtle and one of its effects tends to be that it causes confusion, so you are no longer sure what is ok and what isn’t. I’d like to share some links which in my opinion provide helpful information and support.
First, this site looks like an excellent one for any Christian who wants to read about what spiritual abuse is, or talk with other people about being spiritually abused and how to recover from it. The site has articles and also a discussion forum you can join.
Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources
Their discussion forum is moderated: I expect they keep it safe and intervene if anyone posts anything abusive in there. They have the rule: do not make this about a specific church or person. That doesn’t mean you can’t share experiences there. Just don’t name names. They have a good balance – it’s fine to be honest there (but leave out the names). However their goal is not just to be a place where people listen to each other’s pain. Rather, they encourage members to explore together: “How can we recover from this?”
I’ve had good experience with Christian Recovery International (CRI) who runs this site. I used to post on their National Association for Christians in Recovery forum a number of years ago. It was a safe, caring, supportive place. I had some interaction with Dale Ryan at that time and I remember him as a kind, compassionate man.
There are other articles by Christians on the Internet which discuss the difference between a healthy church and a disfunctional one; also the difference between toxic faith and healthy faith. These may also be helpful. For example:
In my experience, online communities for people who aren’t Christians are generally very supportive and affirming of those who have been spiritually abused and now no longer want to have anything to do with the Christian faith. They can be great places if that’s where you’re at. I’ve seen wonderful support offered on the Internet Infidels Discussion Board Secular Lifestyle forum, which is intended as a support forum and has strict rules against preaching or invalidating the experiences people share.
If you’re a Christian who might have been spiritually abused, I think you will find Christian resources more helpful than those where ‘recovery’ is defined as completely walking away from your faith.
Whether you’re a Christian or not at this point in time, what has helped you most:
Comment by: Pam Hogeweide
1there is also a wonderfully and concisely written series on spiritual abuse at http://www.emerginggrace.blogspot.com You’ll see it archived on the right sidebar toward the bottom. Worth a look.
Comment by: JG
2For me, I see spiritual abuse as abuse in the same way as any other type of abuse eg child abuse, rape, mugging etc.
I believe the most serious harm that flows out of abuse is the damage it causes to the inner being of the person. The physical injuries (obviously very serious in the case of rape etc, often not applicable in the case of spiritual abuse) do normally heal in time. But rape victims can remain deeply damaged for years, long after the physical injuries have healed.
One key aspect to this is trust. Trust is vital to life. When you walk down the street, you trust that it is safe to do so. When you spend time with people, you trust that they will not assault you. When you are assulted, that trust goes and sometimes can be very hard to recover it. Trust is vital to church life too.
Also, it is not so much the act in itself but the effect it has on someone that matters. Let me explain. If a man in say his twenties has his wallet snatched, whilst that can’t be an easy experience I would normally the person to bounce back quite quickly without much or any harm to his “inner being” though obviously it depends on the circumstances. If that happens to an elderly lady, the trauma can sometimes be devasting.
In war, people can survive huge bombs going off all around them yet be killed by a single bullet that manages to pass through a gap in their armour. What matters is not the size or quantity of the “bombs” or “bullets” but whether or not they pierce the body’s defences and get through to the “inner being” – does that make sense?
What some people can just shrug off and treat as water off a duck’s back can be devastating for others.
What was a revelation to me was how spiritual abuse is not restricted to just a few fringe communities and groups but can happen within any group sometimes quite accidently. Usually the circumstances in which it can arise is when someone in a position of power and/or authority and/or influence acts out of pride and/or arrogance and/or fear and/or insecurity etc etc. Putting someone down with cutting or scathing comments. Treating people like dirt or with contempt. Where you see that sort of thing happening within a Christian or other religious community, you see fertile conditions for spiritual abuse.
And lastly, because I have gone on too long, I believe one of the most important keys to recovery is recognising that it was spiritual abuse. It happened because someone or some group mis-used their power or authority. They WERE wrong. It should NOT have happened.
The damage caused by spiritual abuse is very real and should not be minimised.
Comment by: Helen
3Thanks for the link, Pam.
JG I appreciate your comments.
Comment by: meg
4and jeff van vonderen’s ‘the subtle power of spiritual abuse’ helped bens and i alot in processing our experience at heritage baptist fellowship, which was incredibly spiritually abusive. when we left, the pastor yelled at me for suggesting that bens and my marriage was more important to us than his church.
Comment by: Rachel
5Yes, that totally makes sense. Good analogy, JG.
Good point – I think we all saw that play out in some of the recent discussion. That’s why it is so important that we don’t minimize other people’s pain or discount their experiences. It’s so easy to do that when we don’t understand or relate.
Comment by: JG
6Meg,
As you have identified the church, I have looked at their website and in particular their beliefs and immediately feel put off. I fully accept your story and I am concerned about it. I can understand why you feel as you feel.
But no matter how bad they are, I do support CRI’s policy:
Comment by: Helen
7Meg, I’m sorry about what you and Benjamin went through.
JG thanks – as you pointed out I think it’s good if we can avoid this turning into a debate over whether any specific group is spiritually abusive.
I have a serious concern about American Christianity, which is:
The way we do church in America these days, any Christian leader who is charismatic, has a powerful personality, speaks well and engagingly, is somewhat controlling and legalistic – whether he/she intends to or not – is in strong danger of finding him/herself the leader of a personality cult rather than a group of people who think for themselves what it means to follow Jesus with the grace and freedom which should be the spiritual birthright of every believer.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some of this going on in most mega-churches in America, since they are all led by powerful personalities. There is likely to be a lot of it in churches where little or nothing is done to actively discourage it and prevent it happening.
A strong indication that this is a problem is how members react to criticism of the powerful personality leading the church. If they get very angry, and rush to defend the leader rather than listening respectfully to the concerns raised, that is a sign that there is a problematic dynamic going on between the members and the leader. It implies the environment is fostering an inappropriate relationship between the members and the leader where the leader is a surrogate parent and they regress (or never grow out of) the childish state of idealizing authority figures and being overly dependent on them.
That the leader is a spokesperson for and representative of God the Father, and Jesus the Ultimate Authority, increases the likelihood of confusion.
I realized this a few years ago – fortunately it was not by observing the church I was in but another situation.
I would love to raise awareness among church members that this can happen, so they can avoid it happening to them. And I would love to see all leaders of large churches doing everything they can to avoid creating environments conducive to this.