Posted by Helen on: 03.01.2007 /
I’m guest blogger on Jason Clark’s blog today. These are the questions I’m asking on there.
Have you ever noticed there’s a gap between how you think you should behave and how you actually do behave?
(To put this another way for followers of Jesus: do you ever feel that you’re not following Jesus closely enough — that the gap between him and you is bigger than it ought to be?)
If the answer is no, then I’m afraid none of the questions I want to ask will apply to you. (At least I saved you some time commenting on this :-))
If it’s yes, what have you found is effective in narrowing the gap?
Please be as specific as possible. For example, if your answer is “I pray”, please say as much as you can about how and why that helps you.
Do you ever narrow the gap by rethinking how you think you should behave (i.e. changing how you judge yourself)? Do you ever narrow the gap by reassessing what following Jesus should be like (for you)?
Or do you always seek to narrow the gap by looking for effective ways to change your behavior (and/or facilitate God changing it)?
Comment by: Mike O
1 03/1/07 8:25 AM | Comment Link |I think the biggest thing is realizing that there IS a gap! To all the Christians that would say their gap is not bigger than it ought to be, I can help them know where to start looking, and everyone (including the dog) probably sees it but them … PRIDE.
For me, there seems to be a constant ebb and flow to my relationship with Christ, and “how I’m doing” as a follower of his. And for me, accepting that is key. Right now, you’ll see a lot of good outward activity in my Christ-following, but my devotional time is slipping (I don’t pray as much and I have a hard time finding time to read the Bible). But if you ask me a month from now, I’ll probably be doing fine devotionally, but my outward activities will wane.
I don’t even think it’s a bad thing, it’s just something I need to recognize that I will be constantly adjusting.
I just took on a 2nd job to pay for some upcoming vacations and pay off some bills, so my focus has shifted more to work than I’d like it to. But witht hat said, I’m performing better at work than I have in a long while. And as a Christ follower, that’s a good thing.
So to answer the question, I’m always adjusting. My life is like that carnival game where you bop the chipmunks with a hammer. When I get one area of my life under control, something else pops up and I need to bop that down next. It may sound frustrating, but it’s not. It’s just a matter of recognizing that I’m not perfect and there will always be things to work on.
Comment by: Helen
2 03/1/07 8:59 AM | Comment Link |Mike O wrote:
Wow, Mike - I have to say I only put that bit in about ‘no gap’ just in case. I didn’t really think anyone truly finds themselves always living up to whatever standard they believe they should be living up to!
I feel like I go through cycles too - and I did when I was a practising Christian as in, involved in church and Bible study, reading the Bible and praying etc. I am still unclear how much of the downward cycle is my fault. I’d like to say none of it is but in reality, if I start slipping it generally is because I am slipping in doing things which help me keep more on track in my life.
lol - I love the chipmunks wordpicture - yes, that’s just what it’s like!
Or as I said to my counselor one time - my life is never balanced; I just lurch from one imbalance to the next…
Comment by: benjamin ady
3 03/1/07 10:29 AM | Comment Link |Helen–uh….duh? (sorry. but isn’t this kind of like asking “Have you ever noticed that your autonomic nervous system makes sure that you .. breathe in, then breathe out?”)
and … to your last two question: yes and no.
and as to what is effective, and specifically.
accountability, goal setting, self care, self love. staying away from evangelical churches. (ouch) gettign outside myself, engaging others.
Probably the single biggest thing that made/makes an impact in my life in terms of gap narrowing is my marriage to Meg. She rocks.
gotta go to class now. ciao
Comment by: Helen
4 03/1/07 10:59 AM | Comment Link |Benjamin wrote:
Benjamin, yeah, it’s ‘duh’ to me too. But I was just setting up the context ;-)
Great list! (It overlaps a lot with mine, so I suppose it’s not surprising I would say that.)
Meg is awesome - I can well believe she helps you be the best person you can be.
Have fun at class!
Comment by: April Terry
5 03/1/07 2:04 PM | Comment Link |Wow- If only Meg could bottle it and help out all the rest of us! :-)
I was thinking that for me the gap started to narrow when I started to put my efforts and my thoughts in helping others instead of thinking about myself.
For me, seeking to live an “otherly” type of existence is really what helps me grow closer to narrowing the gap. However, I only need remind myself of what I am NOT doing to realize that there is much more gap than I would like to admit!
Comment by: benjamin ady
6 03/1/07 11:30 PM | Comment Link |and
Mike, I can identify with both statements and the sort of tension between the two. It’s strange to me how in … making a lot of progress toward being a better person, I’ve also made a lot of progress about not hating myself for not being a better person.
Comment by: Helen
7 03/2/07 4:15 AM | Comment Link |Benjamin wrote:
I think that’s what I meant by, have you narrowed the gap by changing how you judge yoursef?
In my experience Christian theology can cause problems for some people by implying people are to compare themselves all the time with someone who is perfect.
Maybe for some people this works fine and helpfully challenges them to be better. But for others, it’s very hard to be always failing (because we’re never going to be perfect) and not take that to heart and continually feel bad about themselves.
Benjamin, I’m sorry you’ve struggled with hating yourself for not being better. Can you think of anything specific that has helped you hate yourself less?
Comment by: benjamin ady
8 03/3/07 9:18 AM | Comment Link |This is a really hard question. When I try to start answering it, I seem to be standing at the small end of a funnel looking up–there’s a lot up there.
One really big thing, I think, is I think I used to have really really gargantuan amounts of anger, and (or because) I had inculcated a rule which said I wasn’t allowed to express or feel that anger. What that rule led to was that I turned all the anger inward, and it thus became self hatred.
So when I finally starting killing that rule, I had maybe an 12-18 month period where I was really angry at god, and a lot more outwardly angry in general. then I finally kind of got past that. I think at the end of all that I had a lot less self hatred.
Comment by: Helen
9 03/4/07 7:24 AM | Comment Link |I think not being able to express anger can really mess people up.
As I read what you wrote, Benjamin, it reminds me of an ongoing question I have. When I look at things I’ve believed which messed up up, I wonder, was that the inevitable result of things I was taught? Or was it what I did with things I was taught?
Because when I look around I seem to see other people who’ve been under the same teachings and didn’t get messed up the way I was.
And I wonder why that is.
Comment by: benjamin ady
10 03/4/07 8:09 PM | Comment Link |My immediate response to your question, in regards to myself, is something along the lines of “(laughingly) ha! of course it was because I’m just a really strange, wierd, not like other people person”
Actually, though, at least with regards to the sect I grew up in, it very much seems to me that the people who were and/or still are in that sect basically make almost zero progress when it comes to becoming adults. They all … become stagnat–frozen in the course of their development, and thus they will remain until they get *out* of that sect.
This of course is not entirely true. They’re not frozen. They’re just making slower progress than any definition of normal progress would require. This is because the sect is a sort of bubble which keeps them from interacting with the real world or real ideas. It allows them to remain children with strong parent figure (the minister) who protects/controls them to some degree.
BICBW