Posted by Helen on: 03.06.2007 /
I got in the checkout line at the grocery store yesterday and was right behind my childrens’ dentist. He’s a nice guy but right away I started to think “Uh oh, what is he going to think about what I’m buying here? It’s not uniformly ‘healthy’!” I didn’t get to see what he was buying because his was already bagged.
I said “I’ll put my healthy shopping on here first!” and he said, with a smile, “no, no, I’m not like that”, meaning, he wasn’t going to analyze what I was buying and criticize it.
Then he said to me “Want to hear my funniest story? I was walking by customer service the day after Easter once just as the mother of some children I see was asking “Do you have any chocolate bunnies on sale?” Then she saw me and turned bright red. And the best of it is, she’s Jewish!”
Have you ever been in a situation, seen someone and been embarrassed that they saw you doing what you were doing? Have you ever run into someone else who was embarrassed that you saw them doing what they were doing?
I was with Christine Wicker last Friday (she was in town; we had a great time together) and she commented how her neighbors set her apart as ‘the writer’. As I think about it, I inadvertently set my childrens’ dentist apart yesterday and stereotyped him by kidding him about analysing my shopping. We could have had a different sort of conversation if I’d responded to him as just another human being rather than ‘my childrens’ dentist’. Oh well. Maybe I can learn from this that I am not so free from stereotyping as I thought – that I need to be more careful.
Comment by: Mike Clawson
1As a pastor, I get this kind of thing all the time. People will apologize for swearing in front of me. Or they’ll act embarrassed about telling dirty jokes or drinking stories.
It kind of bothers me that they think I’m judging them (I’m not), or that they have to put on some kind of act in front of me (they don’t). And it especially bothers me that in so doing they are essentially setting me up as God’s “representative” somehow.
It also bugs me to see how all these ridiculous moral taboos (no cussing, no drinking) still get associated with the Christian faith. I’ve fought a long battle against legalism in my own life, and I hate to see people still bound by it.
My remedy in these situations is to try and deliberately drop a cuss word or two into my conversation, or tell a drinking story of my own. I just want to do whatever I can to loosen people up and let them know that they can be themselves with me. I just hope it doesn’t come across as if I’m trying too hard to be “a regular guy”. I really do enjoy alcohol, dirty jokes (I have the full collection of Kevin Smith movies!), and sometimes using a cuss word really is the only way to express what you want to communicate. :)
Comment by: Ann
2Helen! I laughed so hard!!! You’re right, I do that, too! I’ll go running and while still in my running shorts think, hmmmm, a pint of ice cream would be sooo goooood right now — walk in the grocery store – and then try to hide it from the view of other shoppers [you, why is she running and then eating 10,000 calories worth of ice cream?!!]
Comment by: Julie Clawson
3but its often with stuff we know we shouldn’t be doing. Like last night at the environmental forum i went to where we talked a lot about how our food choices affect the environment – I showed up with my fast food dinner. I knew I shouldn’t be eating it for a number of reasons, but I was anyway. And the whole time I felt guilty drinking out of my heading to the landfill cup and eating my beef while we discussed how those things are hurting our planet…
Comment by: Helen
4Mike – yes, I’m sure pastors have that happen a lot, that people feel awkward around them as if they are going to be judged. In fact I’ve heard Christians who aren’t in any sort of full-time ministry say their friends who aren’t Christians sometimes apologize to them for swearing in their presence.
But Ann, of course you were buying that icecream for someone else. Weren’t you? ;-)
Julie, yes, I hear you. I think we need to focus on taking doable steps in the right direction, rather than beating ourselves up for not being perfect. Isn’t that what grace is all about? I sure hope so!
Comment by: Rachel
5Amen, Helen!
Comment by: Doreen
6Mike wrote
Your experience made me smile, Mike. I once belonged to a sports-related organization that was me and 249 men. The President was an ex-Marine, school principal, salty kind of guy. It never failed he would swear, then apologize to me, looking all around the gym until he found me. It always made me uncomfortable. The sad part, he never realized he was offending many of the MEN by his language!
Comment by: Pete S.
7Okay, time for a confession of sorts. I’m one of those guys that finds profanity, “salty language” offensive. I don’t swear or cuss, virtually ever. But I recognize that it was never a part of my upbringing. My parents virtually never used profanity, and we were admonished to never swear. So my brain got hard-wired from an early age. I also have found that many people (not all) who swear regularly really aren’t communicating very well. If everything is f*** this or f*** that everything isn’t anything at all. All the strength of an appropriately placed and uttered cuss word is robbed. It just becomes intellectually poor, distastefully bland and cheap.
Sometimes people swear or cuss, but since it is rare, or else because they use rich language otherwise, their profanity “works”. It is appropriate to the context: delivering meaning and emphasis in a way that contributes to getting across an idea: usually spirited and emphatic. In those cases, although the word by itself may be “offensive” to me, the person him/herself is not. In deed: I pay attention and am brought into the conversation more. I rarely reciprocate with profanity, but I tend to listen better and think more deliberately about the words I use and how I deliver them….
Concerning getting caught buying junk food. Sorry, that doesn’t happen much, and I don’t think I’ve ever stood in line behind or in front of our dentist. I think our family doctor eats more poorly than we do. (He’s got kids, and they do more packaged meals, less fresh stuff, I think.)
Something that bothers me, is when I see kids (ages 8-11) being allowed to see R-rated movies, and the parents are footing the bill and buying the popcorn without batting an eye. We had a couple kids in a nearby school get in trouble with the law because they had been slapping the rears of some girls, repeatedly. They said they saw it in a Jackass movie and on M-tv. Because “everyone” does it, they didn’t see anything wrong with it. After spending 5 days in juvenile detention they are thinking differently, and the community is split over it….
What are your thoughts?
Comment by: Helen
8Pete, thanks for your comments. I reposted your final paragraph here:
Children, movies and values
Comment by: Laura M.
9A few years ago, at a local bookstore, I was sooo embarrassed to be caught yelling at my kids, “Te voy a pegar!” (I’m going to spank you!) -not to mention cursing under my breath in spanish.
The kids were arguing and fighting over a book, and it actually was getting physical (they usually don’t behave that way in public). They were getting so loud I don’t think they even heard me promising to leave the store immediately if they didn’t stop. I just snapped, and right at that moment around the corner walked one of the PTA ‘committee moms’ from their school -who also happened to be hispanic and had understood what had come out of my mouth perfectly well.
All very innappropriate behavior for the children’s section of a bookstore :8-Q
Comment by: Rachel
10he-he! We have all had those moments, Laura!
Comment by: Doreen
11Pete – thanks for your “confession.” I totally agree that today’s overuse of those “certain” words has robbed them of what they once represented. Like you, I rarely heard my parents swear. My mom would let go with the s-word once in a while, which was always so shocking. You knew you were in trouble with my dad if he said “G-d” because he was raised Catholic and we knew that was the absolutely most sinful thing he could say! I’ve never heard either of them say the f-word – if I ever do I don’t know whether I’ll be able to get to the bar of soap before I faint from shock!
Comment by: Helen
12Laura, hopefully rather than judging you the other Mom was feeling sorry for your, knowing exactly what it feels like to be pushed over the edge sometimes by children who don’t feel like co-operating.
Comment by: Laura M.
13I hope so too, Helen. I think it’s a shame when we parents, rather than supporting each other, decide to be overly judgemental of each other’s faults.