Posted by Helen on: 03.12.2007 /
We went to a local dance performance yesterday. My daughter wanted to go because some of her friends were in it. Most of the dancers were children who put a lot of time into dance, like my children put a lot of time into music. They danced very well; it was a good performance and we enjoyed it.
Probably most of the children around here spend a lot of time on some structured activities outside school, such as music, dance, sports, some other sort of clubs.
Comment by: Duh-sciple Tim
1 03/12/07 2:41 PM | Comment Link |Structured activities are one asset that children need. So yes, they are a good thing!
Of course, children need many other things too: involved parents, boundaries, expectations, and more. For a positive approach to assets see http://www.search-institute.org
As a pastor I note that one of the positive assets in involvement in a faith community. And I have seen that many of these activities have become more central- or replaced the religious community as a center of extra-curricular and extra-family activities. So I’m learning how to live in this new reality, seeking to be positive (and not complain about the marginalization of my life’s center)
Peace, Tim
Comment by: Karen
2 03/12/07 3:11 PM | Comment Link |I think kids need balance, and too many of them are overwhelmed with structured, stressful activities. Downtime is important: time to read a book, daydream, walk the dog, yes even (gasp!) veg out and watch TV.
Unstructured time is when kids get to use their imagination and figure out the world and how they feel about it. If they are deprived of that by many hours a week of afterschool activities, church youth groups, scouting, sports, music lessons, art, dance, I think it’s a shame. I’ve personally seen many children totally stressed out and not even getting enough sleep because they are involved in five or six extracurricular activities a week.
My solution, when my kids got overly scheduled and outright rebelled, was to let them each pick a sport and one extra class or club they wanted, and then limit the structured activities there. If they wanted to do something different in the next sports season or class semester, great.
I also made them finish what they started (barring an unusual event). So, if they joined the soccer team, they would attend practices and games and try their hardest. Once the season was over if they didn’t like it, they didn’t have to join up again.
I thought following through was an important lesson to learn, especially seeing many kids drop out without any regard for the impact they were having. After all, joining a class or sport cost money and meant they were making a commitment to the coach/teacher and the other participants. Learning to live up to that commitment helped them a lot.
Comment by: Rachel
3 03/12/07 4:59 PM | Comment Link |I completely agree, Karen!
Comment by: Julie Marie
4 03/12/07 7:19 PM | Comment Link |I only have one child, and still find that my days and evenings are full…and that does not inculde any extracurriculars yet! He’s been taking a gymboree sports introduction class at his school this year that was extra and he likes that very much. I was considering kiddie wrestling because one of my neighbors said it wears her grandkids out - and my 4 year old definitely has a surplus of energy. But the practices are downtown - and with the commute and the parking…well, I guess I’d rather play with him and let him play with the neighbors…even if his energy gives me daily opportunities to grow my patience.
I was talking to one of my other neighbors over the weekend — she has 2 kids, and has them enrolled in multiple classes each. The kids don’t seem stressed at all — but my poor friend is just about fried. I think one also has to take into consideration the toll it takes on the primary caretakers too!
I like Karens point about sticking with the activity of choice for a season. Kids definitely need to learn that while they are important, so are their teammates!
Comment by: Laura M.
5 03/13/07 4:56 AM | Comment Link |Involving kids in extra-curricular activities can certainly become a double-edged sword. With my brood, what’s working for me right now is that all their activities are on campus after school. This makes things much easier for them and for me. It’s hard enough being able to get to all the games, tournaments, etc. as it is without having to drive all over town for practice/club meetings as well. Luckily for me there’s a lot for them to be able to choose from.
We are looking for a better basketball program than the one being offered at their school though. I’ve also just signed my daughter up for an off-campus t-ball league. It’s about to get really busy and complicated at my home I guess.
As far as how many activities they do , I leave up to them. As long as they aren’t having trouble keeping up with their school work.
Very well said Karen. The key is to allow them to do the things they want to do, not push onto them things we want them to do. I took a lot of grief from other parents and teachers when I allowed my children to leave orchestra. I heard an awful lot of, “Sometimes you just have to make kids do things whether they want to or not.”
This is true, but I don’t see playing the violin or viola as one of those things! It is so time consuming, and the precision demanded, at least of the more advanced player, is very strressful for a child. At the level my son was at, he was being told he should pratice one and a half to two hours a day, every day. He was 9 years old.
Of course you’re right about having them finish what they start by continuing until the end of the season or semester.
Comment by: Helen
6 03/13/07 10:52 AM | Comment Link |Laura M wrote:
I don’t think it’s appropriate for other parents or teachers to tell you what extra-curricular activities your children should be doing.
I do think that parents all have some things they have their children do which their children don’t want to do. And I think that’s fine because as adults, they will have to do things they don’t want to do - and so I think it’s best if they learn how to, as they grow up.
But I think it’s up to each family to make decisions about what those things are. The decisions shouldn’t be based on what other parents or teachers think they ‘ought to do’.
It’s funny how other parents are - my children are at the age where other children have given up and when I see the mothers in the grocery store, or wherever, they tell me how they wished they hadn’t. I never know what to say.
I think my children have learned a lot from their music, which goes beyond the music itself. I do think about which things I really want them to do and what I don’t care about, and I try to find that balance between letting them choose, but not letting them make choices which, if they could see the future, they would probably regret later. Maybe they will hate me one day for what I made them do or didn’t let them do but, oh well. I hope not ;-) If they do then perhaps if they have children someday they will then understand.
Comment by: Doreen
7 03/13/07 12:32 PM | Comment Link |I see many children who are so overtasked that they do not have much time to truly play, or read, or imagine, or just veg. I see so many parents trying to live through their children.
Deciding when a child can quit something is a difficult task. I don’t like to see “perpetual quitters” nor do I like to see a child who obviously not enjoying what he or she is doing. I agree with those who stress the importance of hanging in there when it comes to team activities.
My sons were allowed to join the activities they were interested in and participated in religious education and youth groups until their midteens when I felt they could choose whether to stay in or not.
Parents need to know the “why” of the involvement and be honest about the motivation; is it for socialization, healthy, increases knowledge, gets them out of your hair, lets you show them off, may lead to a college scholarship, etc., or some combo thereof?
Comment by: Helen
8 03/13/07 1:24 PM | Comment Link |Doreen wrote:
Yes - I think this gets to the heart of the issue.
Comment by: Karen
9 03/13/07 2:35 PM | Comment Link |True story: When my kids were younger and taking swimming lessons at the public pool, there was a tradition that at the final session all the kids had to jump off the platform high dive. This thing was enormous and my boys (who were a little afraid of heights at that age) got really terrified at the end of class.
I hung back, not wanting to be the uber-protective mom, but I saw some other kids starting to cry in the line and then I saw that they were being ridiculed by the other kids (”c’mon, you baby!”), and even ribbed “good-naturedly” by the teacher!
My boys looked at me, panicked, and started shaking their heads (”I don’t want to, mom!”) and I just marched up to the teacher and quietly told him that my children did not have to jump if they didn’t want to, and I’d leave the decision up to them.
The teacher started arguing with me, and I said, “There is no reason in the world for them to do this if they don’t want to.” And then I turned, said, “Hey, do you guys want to try jumping today?” And when they said no, I said, “No problem, you don’t have to. Let’s go!”
And that was it. I couldn’t believe how many parents got caught up in the peer pressure and let their kids be embarrassed and get up on the board sobbing, and wind up backing down the stairs while being taunted by their peers - all because the teacher insisted on this silly thing. I mean, they were all of 5 or 6, for goodness’ sakes!
Comment by: Helen
10 03/13/07 4:17 PM | Comment Link |Wow Karen, good for you.
Comment by: Staci
11 03/15/07 8:49 PM | Comment Link |It always helps to see that others are questioning this ballance too.
I’m reading a book called “Last Child in the Woods” right now that is related to this topic. I think it gets a bit too nostalgic at times, but has some terrific insights about the need for unstructured, creative, and outdoor play.
My son is very social and loves organized sports, but we’ve limited to one per season. We just try to pay attention to how we’re all doing when we evaluate other activities. If it has been a busy week, we try to say “NO” to more activities and “YES” to sanity. I mean, the community hike, the school ski trip, the concert, and the local Asian Celebration are all individually wonderful things but if we try to do them all this week it will be a chore instead of a joy.