Posted by Helen on: 09.17.2007 /
Jim forwarded this to me. If you have any favorite (blog appropriate) jokes, add them in the comments.
In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar was preparing to open for business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with countless petitions and daily prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means and prayers.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn’t!”
Comment by: inWorship
1OK I heard this one today…
Did you hear about the worship leader who got the left side of his body cut-off in a terrible car accident yet miraculously survived and found salvation? He’s all right now.
Comment by: inWorship
2What’s the deal, was this the ultimate joke and no one has a better one?
:)
Comment by: Kathleen
3Okay, how about this (I found it online):
If the Bible Was Written By College Students…
The top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students.
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria.
6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Comment by: Steve S.
4Atheists don’t recognize the authority of Scripture…
Protestants don’t recognize the authority of the Pope…
…and two Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store…
Comment by: inWorship
5YES! That’s perfect!
Love it :)
Comment by: Kathleen
6Wait, this one’s better than my last one:
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. “I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the father.
“I turned to God for the answer” replied the Rabbi.
“And what did he say?” pressed the father.
“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me…’ “
Comment by: martin gugino
7A pastor is walking by a tavern, and feels drawn to go in.
He sits at the bar next to a man who is very unhappy: his investments have gone sour; his business has gone bad; he is deeply in deeply in debt; he is thinking of committing suicide. The pastor makes the man promise that he will go home, open his bible, read a bit, and draw a message from the text.
A few weeks later, the pastor is walking by the same tavern, when a Cadillac comes screeching up to the curb, the man hops out, and starts to go into the tavern.
The pastor calls out to him. He stops and thanks the pastor for his help that day. He went home. He opened the bible. “And what…?” asks the pastor. “Chapter 11″ says the man.
Comment by: benjamin ady
8This isn’t really a joke, but here it is anyway.
You need to know up front that my 6 year old daughter, E, hasn’t really been exposed to much “Christianese” in her short lifespan. Note, as you read, the text I’ve bolded. It helps at the end.
The other day I picked her up from school and the following conversation ensued:
me: So E, I was talking to your teacher and she says that you and L. are the two best readers in the class. That’s awesome! Way to go!
E: Yeah, and actually, I’m really the best reader, ’cause sometimes L. doesn’t know a word and I help her.
me: You know why you’re like that–so smart and good at reading? It’s because of your genes.
E: What are genes?
me: Well, your whole body is made up of millions of tiny cells …
E: (interrupting, and rolling her eyes) oh, *that* again!
me: (thinking “I’m losing her. Must regroup!”) Ok, well, everybody has this special thing inside them called DNA, and it’s kind of like your own special library. When you’re born, your mom gives you half of her library, and your dad gives you half of her library, and it become your very own special library, and it tells you how to do everything!
E: Everything?
me: yes. and part of the reason your the best reader in your class, and you’re so smart and so forth, is because your mom and dad are both so smart at that stuff, so when you were born, and got your DNA library from us, you got one that made you really smart too.
E: Ohhhhhhh! So L.’s mom isn’t as smart as Mum?
me: (backpedalling). Well, it doesn’t necessarily mean that. There’s some variation. But essentially, yes, if your parents are really smart, then you’re likely to be really smart, and if your parents aren’t that smart, then you’re likely to be not that smart. But sometimes you can be really different from your parents. Like for instance, you have this thing called “emotional intelligence”.
E: Emotional intelligence???
me: yes. it means that you’re smart emotionally. You’re really good at being kind to people and connecting to them and so forth. It’s important to have emotional intelligence to go along with academic intelligence
E: Academic intelligence?
me: Yes. That’s like being really good at reading and understanding things. But it can lead to arrogance and obnoxiousness.
E: ????
me: that’s a bad attitude where you think you’re better than other people and then you’re not kind to them. You don’t have that. You have emotional intelligence, which means your kind to other people and good at connecting with them.
E: Ohhhh! You mean like in class when L. doesn’t know a word, and I kind of whisper it to her, but I don’t try to take over the reading from her or anything.
me: Yes, exactly. You’re good at that. I’m not very good at that at all. I have high academic intelligence, but low emotional intelligence. I wish I was more like you and had higher emotional intelligence.
E: Well, Why don’t you just get born again?
me: (pondering) E, You’re awesome. You totally rock. I’m glad you’re my daughter.
Comment by: Martin Gugino
9Did you hear about the couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.
Comment by: benjamin ady
10Martin,
that’s horrible. and funny.