Posted by Helen on: 12.17.2007 /
Fear helps keep us out of danger. On the other hand it can get in our way, in the form of anxiety or worry.
Often when we’re angry, fear lies underneath the anger. Expressing anger feels better than admitting we’re afraid.
How do you keep fear in balance so it’s helpful rather than a hindrance? Especially during ‘the holiday season’ when the preparations, the people and the memories can give us extra reasons to be afraid.
Comment by: Eliza
1Helen, I’ve been mulling over your questions today. The only connection I can find, personally, between fear and the Christmas season is the anxiety that I won’t meet other people’s expectations, for example by not sending Christmas cards or maybe by not getting a gift “in exchange” for someone who unexpectedly gives me a gift. (But I’m doing a pretty good job of getting over this type of thing, trying to focus on what I reasonably expect of myself & feel comfortable with, not the old ideas about what I think other people, like Martha Stewart, expect this time of year.)
Are there other things about the Christmas season which causes fear and/or anxiety for people? Are there other ways people have found to deal with the “expectations of others” aspect of the season?
In general, when I feel anxious or fearful, which luckily isn’t all that often, I try to focus on (1) what steps I can take to solve the issue and (2) ignoring the rest. (“Let go and Let God” sort of thing – only I’m an atheist!) I feel lucky that I haven’t been in many (if any) situations in which there wasn’t anything useful I could do and I could not ignore the situation. Closest I can think of is the night on a lonely street in Boston when I think was about to be assaulted – but luckily a MTA (transit) worker ran up, out of nowhere, and yelled at the guy who was approaching me, who ran away. Most recent bout of significant anxiety was when I almost fell off a poorly-latched extension ladder 1-2 weeks ago, after clearing a drain on our roof after 5 inches of rain fell in 24 hrs & water was pouring through a windowsill into our bedroom and my husband had left for work. But in that case I just held on tight, reassessed the situation, and climbed down with the tips of my shoes on the rungs of the fixed part of the ladder, which were harder to reach than the rungs on the extension portion of the ladder, but oh so much safer to put weight on! I also planned how I would try to land, if I did end up falling, to try to minimize injury. Luckily it didn’t come to that. And, I planned that I would double check the latch on the ladder next time I ever have to climb it, and if noone is home next time I will put my cell phone in my pocket in case I get stuck on the roof, ladder, or ground & have to get help.
Personally, I don’t find anger easier to express (it may be just as hard as admitting fear, or maybe it’s actually harder for me) – but that’s because of years of childhood training by the parent who raised me, who always had to “win” any disagreement completely and totally. I learned that anytime I expressed anger I would get yelled at, & the volume and insults would increase, until I gave in, gave up, and acted like the whole thing had never happened. My pattern is to burst into tears when I get angry – not all that effective when dealing with surgeons and cardiologists! ;-) I’m not aware of feeling fearful during anger, as an adult; I think it’s more that it feels it will be useless to get angry. (And now I’m picturing the Peanuts cartoons with Lucy setting up shop at an upside-down box: The Psychoanalyst is in, 5 cents – !).
Comment by: Helen
2Thanks Eliza. I worry about my children being disappointed – even though I don’t want their happiness to consist in the abundance of their presents :).
As you said it’s important not to let other people’s expectations push us into doing things which add stress to our lives without adding much value.
It sounds like you have a helpful pragmatic approach to not letting your fears get out of control. I’m not sure I’d ever go on a ladder again after almost falling off – you seem very brave to me!
Thanks for sharing about anger being hard to express. I can see how tears wouldn’t work well in a professional setting! I suppose we all probably have things we’re working through.
Comment by: Doreen A Mannion
3December is normally a tough month for me for a variety of reasons. But this year I am neither fearful nor anxious; my baby brother’s wife had a baby 12/10 and I have the little guy’s picture as my screen background. Just looking at him, how can I be fearful or anxious? He makes me smile and fills me with optimism.
Comment by: Helen
4Doreen, that’s wonderful news!
Comment by: Helen
5I was interested to see this was the opening line in Ken Trainor’s editorial in the local newspaper this week: