Posted by Karen on: 01.15.2008 /
by Karen
Oftentimes, those of us who have left religion behind are asked to define what keeps us going, what motivates us, what rescues us from the pit of existentialist despair now that we no longer believe in god. Some of us don’t seem to have much of a positive belief system, others have adopted skepticism or humanism, others excavate their own philosophies of life.
A new member of an ex-fundy support group I help moderate addressed this topic recently and his answer was so interesting that I asked him if I could re-post it to this group (and to the deconversion blog) and he graciously consented.
Bryan wrote:
I wanted to share an epiphany I’ve had after many years of wandering a post-fundamentalist wasteland. Maybe it will have meaning for some of you.
My Southern Baptist fundamentalist belief began disintegrating right around the time I went off to college. This was very painful for me (as I’m sure comes as no surprise to most of you). I fought it every step of the way as my faith slowly bled from me — my belief in Christ had formed the core of my self image, and my view of myself collapsed along with the elaborate theological construction that had undergirded it.
This was triggered not by liberal intellectual college professors, but by my inability to rationalize the failure of my earnest prayers to head off my parents’ divorce. First my belief in the effectiveness of prayer inexorably eroded, and eventually my dogmatic mind could no longer hold my rational mind at bay. For about 30 years I struggled in my search for meaning. I couldn’t escape the influence of that fundamental Christian tenet that without God, life has no meaning. I was agnostic, but I kept looking for some alternative way to believe in God so that I could recover the sense of meaning I’d felt as a fundamentalist.
I was caught up in the idea that I had to first decide whether I believed in God before I could build a new system of belief. I was never able to get beyond that first step. Yet after the painful experience of losing my faith, the last thing I wanted to do was to build my view of the world and sense of meaning on top of another rug that could be pulled out from under me. I’m happy to say that, in the end, I found a way of understanding that made that first step unnecessary.
A couple of years ago, as I was shaving one morning before going to work, I was thinking about a book I’d been reading on evolution. I have some educational background in biology, and I started thinking about some of what I remembered about the molecular basis for life — the fact that we (and the living things all around us) are mind-bogglingly elaborate constructions, assembled from raw materials drawn from the environment by the cells that comprise us. Beyond this, we each begin life in the form of a single cell that contains all the information needed to drive a developmental process over many years that eventually leads to conscious beings capable of experiencing love, and beauty, and wonder. In one revelatory instant I realized ! — whether or not God exists, our existence is a wonder. As I thought about this, it became clear to me that although many of us spend much of our lives in “the fog of the ordinary,” feeling that each day is pretty much like the last and wishing for something more, we are in fact swimming in, and even composed of, a sea of wonder. I developed a strong conviction that this is actually the more accurate way of viewing our circumstances.
As my conviction concerning this view grew, a sense of meaning began growing within me. I struggled for some time to find a way to concisely express what was, for me, a new way of viewing our place in the universe, and eventually boiled it down to the statement that my aim is to fully cherish the wonder of our existence. I’ve found this to be a powerful statement that can elicit a sense of conviction and meaning like what I once felt when meditating on Biblical declarations. Thinking about this naturally led me into thinking about how I should live in light of this conviction, and I eventually boiled this down to a simple dictum: promote well-being.
During the 30 years that led up to my epiphany, I was searching for something I could believe in without fearing that future experiences or discoveries would invalidate my belief. Believing in, and feeling, the wonder of our existence has accomplished that for me. It is valid whether or not there is a God. This view carries emotional import. In the two years since coming to this view, there have been many times in the midst of daily experience when I’ve repeated those simple phrases to myself (fully cherish the wonder of our existence, promote well-being) and found that they uplifted me and helped me re-orient my thinking (just as repeating scripture to myself once did). I don’t know whether this will be meaningful to any of you, but for me this view has come to have real emotional power, despite the fact that I have no certainty concerning our origin or the ultimate nature of the universe. I hope that some of you might find this helpful in your own search for meaning.
Comment by: Helen
1 01/15/08 11:33 AM | Comment Link |Bryan wrote:
Bryan, thanks for allowing Karen to repost your comments here.
I definitely relate to this. I find that mentally and emotionally ’stepping back’ by reminding myself of my core values is very helpful.
Comment by: Karen
2 01/15/08 1:00 PM | Comment Link |One thing I really liked about Bryan’s message is his comment that this way of thinking he’s found has some real emotional resonance for him.
Many uber-rational atheists will say something like, “I believe in the scientific method.” This is well and good, but I find that many (if not most) people need something that speaks to them more personally than that. The fact that Bryan finds his philosophy (for lack of a better word) uplifting and centering is really great, in my view.
Helen, I have invited Bryan to stop over here and comment, so I hope he will join us.
Comment by: Margy
3 01/16/08 4:51 PM | Comment Link |Karen,
Thank you for posting this, and please thank Bryan for writing it. It is one of the most meaningful essays I have ever read. Being an atheist can be very lonely and isolating; I have a few friends who share my views, but I am still closeted around most people. I’ve read Harris, Dawkins, and Hitchens, and while I agree with many of their statements in principle, they can be harsh, sarcastic, and arrogant in their delivery. (I am thinking specifically of “Letter to a Christian Nation,” where Harris wrote that many Hurricane Katrina victims “died while talking to their imaginary friend.”)
For many years, I had an ongoing one-way conversation with God. I would request help with a problem, ask that a missing child be found, pray for a safe trip, or thank God for some perceived blessing. When I finally came to accept that there is no god, this conversation stopped, and I grieved as though I’d lost a cherished friend.
One statement that has helped me is the “Pale Blue Dot” quote from Carl Sagan. If you are unfamiliar with it, you can read it here: http://www.planetary.org/explore/topics/space_missions/voyager/pale_blue_dot.html
I have the quote and “Pale Blue Dot” photo on a poster in my cube at work. When I read these words, or when I get far enough away from the city to see the night sky in all its starry magnificence, I feel connected to the universe and a part of something so much greater than myself. After I am gone, whatever remains of me will continue to be a part of it. It doesn’t exactly replace my lost “friend” or my previous belief in “heaven,” but it’s very comforting.
Many thanks to Bryan for writing an insightful and moving essay for “the rest of us.” I will keep it handy and reread it often.
Comment by: Bryan
4 01/16/08 7:34 PM | Comment Link |Margy,
Thank you for sharing your reaction. When I posted this to the forum where Karen saw it, I was hoping it might be useful to someone who was stuck at the point of indecision about God’s existence, since I was bogged down at that point myself for about 30 years. I don’t know that it has helped anyone in that way, but your reaction certainly reinforces my sense that for some subset of us “de-converts” (and more than one :-), this particular way of expressing a view of our circumstances can have ongoing emotional impact.
Thanks also for sharing the link to the “Pale Blue Dot” quote. I’d seen it mentioned before but had never gotten around to tracking it down. It is an incredibly moving statement, and I find the following to be the most powerful part:
I think this insight applies to us both as a species and as individuals.
In the time before my “revelation”, I came across other “skeptic-oriented” statements that, like this one, seemed intended to be inspirational to the scientifically-minded nonbeliever. Such statements always had the opposite effect on me — they just piqued my despair at feeling alone in the universe. It’s heartening to realize that I finally have a perspective that enables me to be inspired, rather than depressed, by such a sentiment.
Comment by: karen
5 01/17/08 11:10 AM | Comment Link |You’re so welcome, Margy! I’m very glad it helped you, and I’m glad Bryan was willing to allow me to post it here.
There is a pale blue dot video floating around on YouTube that I found awe-inspiring myself, so thanks for the transcript!
In terms of books that present atheist ideas in a less harsh manner, I’m quite excited at the moment because another guy from the support group that Bryan and I are in is writing a book that I think will do that. He’s a former fundamentalist like we are, so he understands religion and its appeal much better than people like Harris and Dawkins who were never religious believers. And he’s got a funny, folksy style that I think will be much more appealing in terms of bringing together the religious believers and atheists.
I’ll keep this group posted on that book when it is closer to publication.
Comment by: Margy
6 01/17/08 12:01 PM | Comment Link |Many thanks for your kind words, Bryan and Karen. I am glad you enjoyed reading Sagan’s “Pale Blue Dot” essay; I wish it were more well known.
Bryan, the segment you mentioned is the most eloquent part for me, too. I reacted the same way you did.
Karen, I am excited about your author acquaintance. Yes, please keep me posted on the progress of his book!