Posted by Helen on: 06.17.2008 /
Yesterday my counselor asked me how I dealt with discouragement.
I said “I think about something else”. I do that not to avoid the facts, but because when I’m feeling discouraged it’s mostly because I’m worrying – which is a waste of time since it’s based on “what ifs” rather than facts.
Years ago I thought ‘thinking about something else’ was avoiding facing the reality of something, that it was just a delaying tactic. Since then I realized it’s a legitimate and useful strategy for dealing with thinking that doesn’t change my circumstances and negatively affects my mood. This approach is not just postponing the inevitable because that kind of thinking is unnecessary and never needs returning to.
Anyway my counselor then made a suggestion as he often does: “One thing people do is look for something good that’s come out of that situation – some meaning or purpose.”
I immediately thought “No way!” To me that seemed like the conservative Christian approach I decisively rejected a few years ago. To go that route seems to presuppose there’s some ultimate good about everything (because God is in control). If God doesn’t necessarily exist then there isn’t necessarily some ultimate good about everything. And I’d rather not look for something that isn’t necessarily there. That might just be more wasted mental time.
I’m already on the emotional rollercoaster of being on medication that isn’t necessarily helping (for Crohn’s Disease – I started on Remicade about 8 weeks ago and just had my third infusion of it). One of those is more than enough. What I do about being discouraged definitely helps – i.e. realizing that I’m worrying; remembering that in the big picture I’m inconvenienced rather than in huge amounts of pain and/or unable to function. It’s stepping back and being aware the worry is messing me up emotionally as much as the situation. This approach is not based on a belief system but two measureable things: the evidence of how I’m functioning (fairly well, considering) and the track record of worry in my life (0% at changing my circumstances so far).
It’s not that I’ve never seen any good come out of difficult situations. I have and I’m glad when I do. It’s more that I don’t want to look for something based on an unprovable belief that it’s there. Been there, done that, don’t want to do it anymore.
I tried to explain to my counselor that I didn’t want to go there but it was hard to articulate why at the time. I felt my strong negative reaction but hadn’t had time to think about why I was reacting that way. What happened was this caused me to concentrate hard on something else – trying to figure out the intriguing and amusing strength of my reaction – rather than the topic of me being discouraged. Which, as usual, made me feel better!
Comment by: Duh-sciple
1Sounds like the following phrases have not been helpful for you:
*God is in control
*God doesn’t give you more than you can handle
*God is using this to make you stronger
The thinking is truly cringe-worthy!
What I believe and may or may not be helpful to you:
*That sucks!
*Emmanuel, God is with you, even in the midst of the crap
*A new creation is coming, and we will be re-created, too
Know that I always appreciate your perspectives, making me think in new ways, challenging me, helping me think that I’m not the only crazy one.
May this find you sill in One Peace,
Duh-sciple
Comment by: Jim Henderson
2I use a version of your tactic to get thru the day (but not eternity)
To get thru the day I practice “forgetting to worry”. Since most of the daily stuff we worry about gets interrupted by another new problem within 24 hours- why not practice forgetting to worry now?
To get thru eternity I am decidedly old fashioned and very conservative- christian sounding in spite of how much distaste I have for evangelicalism –
I basically have decided to believe or imagine (readers choice) to focus on heaven since I have decided (again a personal subjective view) that regardless of how good this life gets it still sucks and cannot be the end (again a personal opinion)
Comment by: Jason Horton
3“I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.” is one Shakespeare quote that always seems to cut to the core of depression for me. I’m reminded of the limitations suffered by men like Stephen Hawking or the late Christopher Reeves. Keeping a positive attitude in the face of such adversity must seem almost insurmountable to an outsider. Yet they excelled. Why is that, do you think?
You may recall that my mother suffered from Crohn’s. My brother drives a bus and one day felt a horrible burning pain in his stomach. He leapt to the conclusion that he’d inherited the illness and spent weeks worrying and suffering as a result of the various unpleasant medical investigations. It turns out that he’d suffered a hernia that was quickly rectified. Now he’s back to work.
What did his worrying gain him? Additional suffering, more intrusive medical checks, worry by his family and friends.
Dwelling on a problem with no solution benefits no-one. Learning to live within your own personal constraints may actually allow you to appreciate what you have more. Isn’t the self analysis of your own personality traits a positive outcome?
Comment by: Helen
4Thanks for your comment Duh-sciple. You nailed it on the statements I’d rather not hear :).
I like “that sucks”. Very validating.
I’m not sure about the Emmanuel and re-creation part. I don’t know whether that’s going to happen so I don’t want to place all my hope in it. It would be wonderful if it does (as long as it happening doesn’t also mean lots of people end up in hell)
Sorry to hear you’re crazy too :). It certainly does help not to be the only one! Have you seen the Emergent Village cohort video? (I saw it during Brian Mclaren’s Everything Must Change tour) “Being reassured I’m not the only crazy one” figures highly in it as a reason people join cohorts.
Thanks Jim. I understand what you’re saying about heaven. It’s hard to think about people whose whole life here sucks not having anything good to follow. I certainly would prefer that they do. But it messes me up to think about unprovable things like that so I don’t think about it.
I like your reminder that most of what we worry about won’t be an issue in 24 hours. Also the way you called ‘forgetting to worry’ a practice. I find it does need to be practiced – it doesn’t happen on it’s own, not to me, anyway.
Jason, sorry, I forgot you told me that about about your mother. I’m glad your brother had something that could easily be rectified. That’s a perfect example of the uselessness of worry. My daughter started having stomaches and diarrhoea on and off last September and of course Crohn’s crossed my mind. But it has turned out to be straightforward lactose intolerance. As long as she takes lactase pills whenever she eats food with any lactose in) she has no stomachaches. She’s doing a good job of dealing with this: she reads ingredients and brings lactase with her when we eat out. I suppose if it wasn’t for lactase being available she’d be quite upset about it – because it would mean no more icecream etc.
Comment by: Christine
5Helen,
One of the best things from the little bit of Buddhist practice I’ve done was learning to do exactly what you did. To watch my reactions.
And when I can laughing at them with a rueful, kind of tender, amusement at myself.
Not exactly the Christian way I learned. So much better for me.
The Dali Lama does lots of laughing. So maybe he’s annoyed a lot.
His reaction can be rather annoying to those observing him. He giggles, the monks giggle. Giggling Buddhists all over the place. And not a straight answer in the place.
Seems kind of brainless. But it isn’t. It’s following the path to less pain.
The great thing about your story was that the therapist was soooo wrong, but you still made it into something valuable.
Comment by: Stephan
6I had a teachable moment with my son this week. His life each summer revolves around baseball, and we found out on Tuesday that he was not selected for a post-season tournament team (basically an All Star Team). He was crushed.
He was having trouble getting to sleep while he thought about it and I talked to him about stress, worrying and anxiety. I asked him about what was bothering him. I asked him if he could control those things, and of course the answer was no. We talked about the things he could control, and I told him that very often in life this is a very short list. In sports the only things you can really control are your level of effort and your attitude. You can’t control the outcome or other people’s perception of things, so you can’t worry yourself about them.
I think it helped some, but it’s a life-long lesson, and I hope I helped him gain some perspective. Work on the things that are in your immediate control, and don’t worry about the rest.
On a theological level, I don’t think God gives us struggles for any specific end. I think He knows that we will have struggles, and tries to work with us to bring about a good outcome. I suppose there may be specific times when God might bring about a trial for a specific reason, but I think in general there are enough bad things that happen that He does not have to try to cause them.
Comment by: Elizabeth Chapin
7Great post, Helen. I’m sorry to hear you have Crohn’s. I have some chronic issues as well and deal with discouragement quite a bit. I struggle with the “God is in control” mantra, because basically if we say “God is in control” and something bad happens and we believe God is good, then we have to believe that something good must come out of the bad in order to hold to this “God is in control” ideology. I can see why one would want to throw that out the window. I don’t believe in a God who “controls” everything. My view of God is a bit more chaotic – the world is a complex system where unpredictability is governed by grace. Something bad happens to me, which bad things inevitably do, and I try to give myself a little space and freedom to be bummed and hurt and not expect my life to be perfect, easy, free of trouble, etc. Then, like you, I turn my attention to something else. It doesn’t do any good to dwell in the pain or sadness or worry, but I can’t ignore the fact that something bad exists. So, I acknowledge it for what it is and try to move on. I like how you said,
This reminds me of Monty Python’s Life of Brian singing, “Always look on the bright side of life.” I just wonder if I will be able to deal with discouragement when I am in huge amounts of pain or unable to function. Another caveat to the whole “God is in control” thinking is the tendency then to blame God for everything bad that happens. And like you said, Helen, if God does not exist, then this too is a supreme waste of time.
Comment by: joe
8But then, if God does not exist, the whole of life might be a ‘supreme waste of time’.
Comment by: Jason Horton
9@Joe, do you really believe that? Do you believe that without a god to do whatever it is that gods do then we have no purpose?
Comment by: joe
10Yes. I’ve read Dawkins, have you?
Comment by: Steve R
11Hmm . . . I have read some of Dawkins’ books, and while he does seem to believe that life has no inherent meaning, he also thinks that we have the ability to invest life with meaning if we so choose. The scientific pursuit of knowledge is one way Dawkins himself does that, as I recall. Or am I misrepresenting him?
Comment by: joe
12To be fair, I’ve not read his most recent book. But his logic seems good to me – if we are just bodies carrying around selfish genes, ‘we’ as individuals can have no meaning.
Investing with meaning is a curious phrase. In a meaningless universe, investing meaning by believing an imaginary deity which encourages one to acts of great mercy, generosity and self sacrifice seems rather more noble than a personal pursuit of knowledge.
Sorry for derailing your post, Helen. Maybe we should continue this conversation elsewhere..
Comment by: Jason Horton
13@Joe, yes, I have but what’s your opinion? Is God the only reason to go on for you? If, like Helen, you suffered some misfortune that was discouraging. Is your faith the only thing that keeps you going or is it more accurate to say that faith is one of many reasons for living?
Comment by: Julie Marie
14Hi Helen,
sorry to hear about your disappointments. yea for you not trying to gloss it over by pondering the good that might come of it. especially when the suggestion comes from an “authority source.” it doesn’t sound like you spent any time at all on that advice. attending to your reaction was obviously much more productive :) As far as finding meaning–in my life I’ve found that the meaning in suffering isn’t a helpful concept until the suffering has passed. Then I can look back and put it into some overall context. And that helps me leave it behind. But it hasn’t seemed to help the getting through it part. Nothing for that but to go through it.
Stephan, I agree 100% that focusing on what can be controlled in a situation is a powerful coping skill. I hope your son is able to internalize it after his immediate disapointment has passed.
Comment by: Helen
15Thanks for your comments, everyone.
Christine, I’ve come to value humor more and more as a way of helping with difficult circumstances.
Stephan I hope what you said helped your son deal with his disappointment.
Elizabeth I’m sorry you’re dealing with chronic issues too. I suppose a lot of people are.
Steve, I’ve heard a number of atheists say that about life – that we can give it meaning if we choose to – so although I don’t think I’ve heard Dawkins saying that it wouldn’t surprise me if he has. I also believe that.
Joe, I’m not sure what it means to say life is a ‘supreme waste of time’. What I know is – at present I have it (life) and I have values and goals and I don’t want them to be subverted because I get stuck worrying about ‘what ifs’ that may never happen. I call that a waste of time because it unnecessarily gets in the way of me doing the things I’d like to do.
Thanks Julie Marie. I think that’s one reason I was a bit thrown by his suggestion – because finding meaning comes afterwards, like you said, not in the midst of the suffering. And it’s not necessarily that the suffering has ‘meaning’ and ‘purpose’; it’s more that I can accept it as a part of my life (not like it but accept the reality of it) and, as you said, leave it behind. And then some things continue and we have to adjust to the ongoing reality of them, whether we can find anything good about them or not.
I’m very happy that I’m comfortable disagreeing if my counselor makes a suggestion that doesn’t work for me. He often has good suggestions so it’s worth me listening to them just in case :) So, I respect him and listen to him without feeling I have to agree with him when I don’t – which I think is how it should be.
Comment by: Elaine
16Helen – your post and others comments have stirred my thoughts.
It is your journey Helen and I wish you well as you navigate it.
For me, how I have come through the dark moments – seemed to take a turn for the better when I began to recognize I could chose how I was going to respond to the situation. It is what someone mentioned already – what is in my control? frequently it is only my feelings and thoughts… (although I quit a job once without giving notice because that was within my control and improved things immensely – except for having to look for a new job and the loss of a salary – but even that felt better than being in that job.)
In my darkest moments, I find my self-talk runs like this – “so, how’s this working for you Elaine? Do you like how you’ve been feeling these last few hours, days, weeks???”
So, if not, how do I want to feel? It is then that I realize how much I have been focusing on what is wrong in my life. So, I begin to look at what is right in my life. As I put my energy into focusing on what is good and right in my life and I am filled with a sense of gratitude and sometimes – even peace about what I was stewing on before.
And the thing is, very often, the good things were there all along. AND I’m still aware that the “thing” I was discouraged about, bummed about, etc…didn’t just get better – but, focusing on what I had – diminished the pain of the other…it lost it’s control over my thoughts and feelings.
Comment by: joe
17Jason – if I thought there was no meaning in the universe, I’m fairly sure I would feel suicidal. That might not be everyone’s experience, but faced with tremendous pain, poverty, etc, a bottomless pit of meaninglessness would be too much for me.
Helen – in your situation, I’d guess that one-day-at-a-time is the only way to progress. I think your life does have meaning for the reasons you’ve given.
Comment by: Helen
18Thanks Elaine – your approach seems very similar to mine. I’m glad it helps you too.
Thanks Joe. Do you think you’d find the universe meaningless and feel suicidal if you didn’t believe in God? I’m just curious, not trying to argue with you about your own perceptions.
I don’t think about the meaning of the universe because I just get lost in unresolvable philosophical issues and so it’s another waste of time for me – in other words it interferes with me focusing on and doing things I care about.
Maybe the issue is, I don’t care whether the ‘universe has meaning’. Maybe I should – but I don’t. Some Christians (not you necessarily) seem to think everyone cares whether it does, but in my experience some people (including me) genuinely don’t.
I read a book once which included this advice for dealing with depression: “Don’t think about the ‘big issues’ when you’re depressed”. (This wasn’t advice for clinical depression per se) I found that annoyingly patronizing but I also understand where the author is coming from, because it seems like my brain easily gets stuck in obsessing over things I can’t resolve when I’m not feeling great. (One of the most helpful things I ever read was an analogy that the brain can get ‘stuck’ like a car stuck in a certain gear and then you need to unstick it) Anyway, another reason to avoid the big things at those times is because they seem more overwhelming then. So although it annoyed me I also grudgingly concede it’s good advice.
Ironically it’s also good advice for the opposite mood state, mania, because in that state people are highly distractible and tend to waste a lot of time obsessing over things that due to their impaired judgment seem vital to think about, yet aren’t actually helping them get on with their life. Like what the meaning of the universe is (because of the illness they will think they’re granted special insight into the meaning which has to be captured and shared). Also the impaired judgment will lead them to make crazy irrational decisions if the ‘big issue’ is a life issue. Anyway I digress…
Comment by: Jason Horton
19Thanks Joe, each to his own I suppose but I prefer to give meaning to events where I can find meaning and it’s comforting sometimes to believe that there is no higher reason for things happening, particularly bad things. I certainly don’t feel suicidal as a result, quite the opposite actually. I think I’ll file this topic away as one to discuss at length at a later date. :)
Comment by: joe
20Helen, I think that if I didn’t believe in a benign deity, I’d have to invest something else to believe in.
Jason, I’m glad. Feeling suicidal is Bad News. I agree, lets discuss this another time.
Comment by: Helen
21Joe, what you said makes me think that I must believe in something. Not a deity but – some belief(s) evidently keep me going and prevent me from giving up.